By Eric Emery
After painstaking work, the crack Beachwood legal and document retrieval team has acquired the lesser known details of Brian Urlacher’s new contract. Do you think its easy being an NFL star? Imagine having to live up to these stipulations. Gladly, Urlacher has handled himself with the highest level of class, so I believe none of these will pose much of a problem. Here are the highlights:
* Be on-call 24/7 to serve as Lance Briggs’ designated driver.
* Once released, Urlacher retains all promotional and figure-action rights to the Paris Hilton sex tape. Also known as the George Lucas Rule.
* Required to give full answers to all reporters’ questions, unless one of these phrases appears in the question: “arthritic back”, “offensive futility”, “missing Cedric Benson”, “poor receivers”, “quarterback controversy”, “once proud Bears defense”, “what are you getting all your kids (and I do mean all) for Christmas”, and “have you thought about a condom?”.
* Will receive a performance bonus every time John Madden names Urlacher “an elite linebacker” or “somebody the Bears still can rebuild around.”
* Must refer to Matt Forte by his name and never by any of the following: “Bozo the Clown,” “Matt Pianissimo,” “Will Forte’s brother.” or “the guy that we drafted instead of Rashard Mendenhall.”
* Must serve as one of four Bears to carry Devin Hester and his portable throne from the tunnel to the bench. Hopefully the gesture will keep Chicago’s best player here after Hester is told “we cannot afford to pay you, especially after we had to pay Urlacher.”
* Will be required to sign 25 items before or after every home game: shirts, jerseys, photos, footballs. Not required to sign: Maternity shirts, toddler-sized jerseys, kindergarten school photos, and footballs part of any paternity settlement.
* Will not be required to fill the hole for running plays up the middle. Instead, Urlacher will retain the right to call in stunt double for all unpleasant run-stopping situations.
* Required to act like he loves the fans of Chicago until he grows unhappy with his new contract.
* Urlacher is now required to thank Barack Obama instead of God for giving him the ability to succeed.
* Must hug Lovie Smith after every game and assure him that “Everything will be alright. We tried, and gosh darn it, if we keep trying, we’ll get this thing turned around.”
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on July 23, 2008