By Eric Emery
Drugs, guns, strip clubs, pit bulls, and DUIs – it must be the NFL off-season!
Mini-camp can’t come soon enough for league officials hoping to drown out the bad news with feel-good stories about eccentric kickers and All-American quarterbacks who help old ladies across the street, but there’s plenty more hijinks to be accomplished before training camp kicks in. Here’s what we see in our Cristal ball.
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Player:Pacman Jones.
Alleged Vices: Strip Clubs Fights and Friends with Guns.
What’s Next: Opens chain of strip clubs called “Strip, Scrap, and Strap.” Puts all your lap dance, bar brawl and gunfight needs under one roof.
Player: Tank Johnson.
Alleged Vices: Night Clubs, Speeding, Guns, Pit Bulls, and The Slightest Degree of Impairment.
What’s Next: Signs with Cops as the reccurring character “Guy Police Get to Berate for Being Exceedingly Stupid.”
Player: Michael Vick.
Alleged Vices: Spread of Infectious Disease, Possession of Marijuana Concealing Vessel, Dog Fight Training.
What’s Next: Ron Mexico’s House of Weed and Bleed.
Player: Ricky Williams.
Alleged Vices: Marijuana, Growing a Ridiculously Large Beard.
What’s Next: Isolates chemical that caused beard to grow and combines it with pot seeds. Packages mixture in Chia Pets boxes. Markets under “Chia Puff and Pass.”
Player: Roughly 18 percent of the Cincinnati Bengals roster.
Alleged Vices: Everything except pimping.
What’s Next: Familiarity with legal system results in founding of Bengal Law School.
Player: Richard Seigler.
Alleged Vice: Moonlighting as a Pimp.
What’s Next: Replaces Fred Thompson in Law & Order.
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Familiar with the phrase “One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel”? For those involved in a team sport, this cannot be further from the truth. Those familiar with the Vikings know that once they rid themselves of a Randy Moss, three others gladly took the title of “Team A-Hole” and ran with it. I’m guessing the prevailing wisdom on Vikings was not “With Randy gone, we can finally concentrate on football”, but rather “With Randy gone, we can finally concentrate on renting lake boats and party with naked women.”
With the departure of Tank Johnson, conventional wisdom dictates that discipline will now rule the day in Lake Forest. I disagree. Now is the time for some other Bears to step up and shine. Here are the top candidates.
Tommie Harris: Last week Harris “joked” that he wanted Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb to be the next Bears QB. Harris will next reiterate that he was joking after he knocks Rex out for the season with a vicious clothesline in mini-camp.
Rex Grossman: Gets tired of the question “You had a pretty good year and again, many believe you should not be the Bears starting QB. How do you respond?” and attempts to punch a reporter in the face. Misses easy target.
Devin Hester: After learning that he is the first player that was assigned with a “100 Speed Rating” in Madden ’08, Hester stays at home and plays 13 year-olds on his X-Box 360.
Cedric Benson: After learning that Benson played centerfield for the Texas Longhorns, Jim Hendry signs him to play for Cubs. Benson pouts when he doesn’t touch the ball enough.
Brian Urlacher: The Schaumburg Flyers plan to give away “Mini-Urlachers” on August 21. Interestingly, the American Tort Reform Association sponsors the event. When asked about the sponsor, Urlacher remarks, “When you are a ‘baby daddy’ as often as me, you need all the reform you can get.”
Robbie Gould: After buying gold shoes to celebrate the nickname “Good as Gould”, players remind Gould that he is only a kicker by giving him a Code Red. Gould overcompensates by buying pit bulls, moving into Tank Johnson’s old home. and re-recording “I Wanna Be a Gangsta.”
Lance Briggs: In a seemingly pleasant surprise, Lance Briggs claims “I need to be a man and honor this contract.” Briggs remains a model citizen both on and off the field. The Bears, in large measure due to Briggs, post a 14-2 record. After their first round bye, the Bears host the Green Bay Packers and whip them. A Lance Briggs sack clinches a three-point win over the Saints in the NFC Championship Game. The Bears stun the Patriots in the Super Bowl, with Briggs emulating Willam “The Fridge” Perry and running the ball in for a touchdown.
Jerry Angelo awakens from his dream to find that Urlacher and Briggs have formed a linebackers union and are going out on strike. Angelo, too, recuts “I Wanna Be a Gangsta” and starts packing.
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Sugar in the Bears Off-Season Kool-Aid: 60 percent and rising with each Cubs and Sox stumble.
Recommended sugar in the Bears Off-Season Kool-Aid: 55% and falling with each training camp injury and arrest.
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Eric Emery is the Beachwood’s resident football writer and author of The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under.
Posted on June 26, 2007