By Eric Emery
If you survived ESPN’s 837 hours of coverage over the weekend, you discovered that nothing is more captivating to teams and pundits alike than draft day trades; nothing except the humiliation of an overdressed dork who still can’t win the big one, that is.
The Beloved, however, held on to Angry Lance Briggs, the Bear Most Likely To Be Traded going into the weekend, and instead merely swapped one higher draft pick for a bevy of lesser ones.
Pity. Here are some other trades the Bears should have made this weekend:
Trade: A package of draft picks to acquire Oklahoma RB Adrian Peterson.
Benefit: Allows unknowledgeable Bears fans to accidentally know the name of two Bears running backs when they think they just know one.
Drawback: Gives Bears play-by-play announcer Jeff Joniak a reason to yell “Adrian Peterson Number Two. . . TOUCHDOWN BEARSSSSSS!”
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Trade: Bears front office for Chicago 2016 Olympic Committee front office.
Benefit: Olympics will come in under budget with outstanding results.
Drawback: Next free agent signed by the Bears will receive a 12-year, $1 billion contract.
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Trade: Lance “No Missed Games in Four Seasons” Briggs to the CTA for outgoing transit chief Frank Kreusi.
Benefit: Slow zones disappear until Briggs’ contract is up for renewal.
Drawback: Team bus arrives late to every game.
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Trade: Brian Piccolo award winners John Tait and Chris Harris to the City of Chicago for an alderman to be named later.
Benefit: Tait and Harris prevail upon other aldermen to vote their conscience.
Drawback: Aldermen have no conscience; Soldier Field parking lot rezoned for massive condo development that blocks view of downtown Chicago from Soldier Field.
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Trade: Ability to win in the postseason while in an inferior conference to the Bulls for charm of a multi-ethnic roster.
Benefit: See Bulls appear (and lose) in the NBA Finals.
Drawback: Bears appear (and lose) in the Super Bowl.
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Trade: Team unit concept to Cubs for sweetheart WGN television contract and a some ivy.
Benefit: Cubs lose as a team rather than lose as individual disparate parts.
Drawback: Bears build team in Jim Hendry’s image; forced to play linebackers at wide receiver and offensive linemen in the secondary.
Eric Emery is the Beachwood’s resident football writer. Catch up with The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under.
Posted on April 30, 2007