By Carl Mohrbacher
I’m beginning to think that Marc Trestman is still under the impression that the Bears are playing some kind of Canadian-style football in which there are three quarters, moose wearing flannel shirts roam the sidelines, the orange coolers are full of either Labatt Blue or maple syrup, everybody is polite yet gainfully employed and Rush performs the national anthem every night.
I’m glad that the Bears are so confident in their offense that they believe that every single rushing play in the third quarter should be a “shit run,” or “draw” as they’re more conventionally known, but at least in the first 3/16ths of the season (is that a metric quarter? Damn you, Canada!) the truth of the matter is the defense either produces a turnover or does not stop anyone.
Why Bears? Why do you let the bad men participate in the game you are dominating?
As long as the offense is willing to look at 20-point leads and say to themselves, “Themselves, the score is 24-3, we’re gonna need another 16 points,” the Bears will be fine.
So, that would be 38 7/16th points in Alberta?
3 Technique Out 52 Weeks
Tough break for Henry Melton and for the Bears.
But it’s a tougher break for Chicago’s strong safety because when you Google “Henry Melton” to make sure you spell his name correctly*, what appears to be a shot of Major Wright being surprised that the Cops camera crew rolled up on him right as he was about to fart out the world’s biggest bong rip is apparently what “people also search for” in addition to information about torn ACLs.
So when they’re not busy being utterly mischaracterized by the old white guy who constructed the Internet, the members of the Bear defense are going to be scrambling to replace an important cog in their scheme.
Let’s meet the lesser known defensive linemen who will be vying for our hearts during the remaining 14 weeks of the regular season.
- Nate Collins: He’s the next man on the depth chart and why not? He was on the Jaguars and, at one point, they were almost considered an NFL team.
- Stephen Paea: The only New Zealander on the Bears roster, he’s best known for his prominent role alongside Marc Trestman and Adam Podlesh in the pilot for Two Jews, A Kiwi And A Pizza Place.
- Zach Minter: Photo not available!
- Literally Every Other Member Of The Defensive Line: The Bears run a rotation on the interior line. Which makes this all a little less exciting. I kinda just wanted to make a list.
So Suh Me
Hey man, we’ve all been there.
The Comcast guy just shows right the hell up under the guise of “doing some repairs” on the cable hub in the common area between houses.
Hurm? You growl as you tear another 24=ounce bite out of the raw goat leg you’ve been gnawing on since 8 a.m.
Threatened by this intrusion on your domain, you hoist some basketball shorts onto your six-foot-four 310-pound frame, grab the deadliest looking weapon you can find within claw’s reach (which is either a “rubber” knife or a “pellet” gun, or the sharp edges of the dashed bones of your enemies; whatever is available in the kitchen) and begin undulating wildly in the direction of this intruder.
This insolence will not stand!
So before any of you start throwing stones out of your glass lair at Ndamukong Suh, ask yourself, who among us wouldn’t find ourselves in the exact same position when our sister was visiting?
Kool Aid (4 Out Of 5 Jugs Of Faygo)
This is an exciting game for a couple of reasons.
Aside from the obvious allure of Bear players getting to eat hot dog pizza at Cheli’s Chili Bar . . . aww crap!
Ok, Detroit finally got a 24-hour gym? No? But is coming soon? Alright!
And that RoboCop statue is gonna be finished soon, so look forward to a visit from Peter Weller!
Injuries are the big stories for both teams. Nate Burleson’s broken arm will keep him out of the contest (don’t eat gummy worms and drive kids . . . especially while you’re texting and getting a blow job) and there are no other receivers on this team that I or the Detroit Lions official website can name.
Despite the key injuries on both sides, this game has all the makings of a high scoring affair.
Why, you ask?**
Megatron is getting targeted 30 times with a hobbled pass rush coming at Matt Stafford.
While Brando Marshall isn’t exactly Calvin Johnson, he is one of the few people on Earth who’s nearly comparable. If that doesn’t work, Chicago has other legitimate offensive options.
I like the Bears to top Detroit in a hail of passing.
And hopefully fewer than two draws in the third quarter.
Bears 37
Lions 31
–
* I am perfossional!
** You’ve really got to stop asking yourself questions aloud while staring at the monitor. Your coworkers are beginning to think you can barely read.
–
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on September 26, 2013