By Carl Mohrbacher
Thanks Cardinals, you made us feel like we have a Super Bowl-caliber defense and an offense that’s good enough to win. This was like a great party at the end of a marriage that’s been loveless for five years.
They get dressed up, appear at a nice controlled social environment and slap on the charm for a roomful of casual acquaintances. For a few hours, he’s the charmer she fell in love with and she’s lightly touching his arm as she offers to grab him another drink from the bar.
But next week, they’re arguing bitterly about who was supposed to take that bag that’s been sitting in the foyer for the last two goddam weeks to Goodwill or angrily debating whether Lovie Smith’s career record is enough to justify a lame-duck gig in 2013. By this time next year, the papers are signed, the house is split and, because nobody at that party suspected a thing, they all quietly blame Lovie for being such a divisive figure.
He’s wondering why the 25-year-old he’s banging doesn’t know who Foreigner is, she’s wondering why Kim Cattrall never told anyone that being a “Samantha” usually leads to Hep C, and D.J. Moore wants to know how desperate the Jets are for help at wideout.
The first half of this journey was great, but loving body language and two defensive touchdowns can’t whisk away a second half of lies.
Broken Record
While the national media covers J.J. Watt (sacks), Adrian Peterson (rushing yards) and Calvin Johnson (flying gun) as they approach three of the most notable individual achievements in the NFL, we’d be remiss if we didn’t spill a little digital ink on behalf of the Beloved.
Many of the franchise records posted or approached by Brandon Marshall this season (receiving yards, extreme coupon savings, largest oil tapestry of a QB) are overshadowing accomplishments turned in by the rest of the squad. As we near the end of 2012, let’s take a quick look at some of the records that could be broken against the Lions this Sunday.
* With two more airings of this commercial for McNuggets, Kellen Davis will break Kevin Butler’s franchise record for royalties generated by a regional ad, though I doubt Davis has enough juice to do spots for the Gary Auto Auction 15 years after he retires.
* Olindo Mare needs only one field goal to become the first kicker in Bears history named “Olindo” to successfully kick three field goals.
* Thanks to the Bears extremely generous film-grading policies, Brian Urlacher is closing in on the NFL single-season record of 194 tackles thanks to 11 solo takedowns against Arizona.
Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Rum Nog)
Christmas was on Tuesday this year. Dairy-based or not, it’ll still be good through the weekend.
As we approach the final game of the season, the only thing we definitively say about the 2012 Bears is that they are much better with their core players on the field; a statement which I realize carries all that weight of saying that runners are faster with legs or that women are sexier with vaginas.
While many critics disparage Chicago’s disastrous second half, we should give the team some credit for beating the Colts, Cowboys and Vikings this year. They also managed to lose to the Texans, Vikings, Seahawks and Packers – twice – by a total of five scores.
Welcome to today’s NFL: Celebrating the middle.
This Sunday will prove nothing on its own. The Bears beat bad teams and the Lions are such.
They will be 10-6 and may miss the playoffs because they couldn’t find a way to bury the Vikings when they had the chance. I hope that’s not the case, but Adrian Peterson might run for 300 yards against the Pack.
Bears 20
Lions 10
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on December 26, 2012