By Carl Mohrbacher
Hearing James Laurinaitis’s name called by the Fox broadcast last week got me thinking.
No, not about the fact that he’s the son of the Road Warrior Animal or that his fifth favorite bible verse is (are?) Psalm 51 “all 19 verses.”
It got me thinking about other names that sound like serious health issues. As such, here are the top five ailments named after NFL players.
5. Early Onset Doucet: Dementia in 30-year-olds caused by excessively consuming gas station taquitos.
4. Kuhn’s Disease: Cheese-induced inflammation of the anus.
3. Hanging Niswanger: Though it sounds like it could be a good thing, this condition is typically the result of a Lavitra overdose.
2. The Fog Of Gore: Damage to the “prudence” faculty of the skull leaves sufferers of this late 19th-century infliction distant, dull and unable to score more than six on a Wonderlic test.
1. Golden Tatitus: This strange illness causes its victims to simultaneously possess good fortune and smug, unlikable attitudes. It also mystically ends labor disputes.
Fat Jesus
James Laurinaitis’s seventh favorite bible verse comes from the Gospel of Buddy.
And lo, the lord came before Buddy and said unto him, “I am the cheesesteak hoagie of life. Whoever comes into me shall not hunger. Also, take one of your sons up to the top of that mountain over there and stab him. Sure, go ahead and do Isaac. I’ve got plans for Rob and Rex.
The Bears march into the house that Jerry built on Monday night, where they’ll be met by distracting cheerleader rump shots on a 25,000 square foot high-def scoreboard, a reunion with Kyle “Neckbeard” Orton and the seed of one of Chicago football’s most celebrated heroes, Buddy Ryan’s son Rob.
This is also the stadium where the 2010 Bears discovered that you can beat a pass rush with quick slant routes. We’ll find out on Monday if we have a second coming of common sense.
Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 of 2 oz. Cowboy C*@k Sucker Shots)
It’s butterscotch schnapps and Bailey’s Irish Cream.
For reals-eez.
We’re still not sure what we’re looking at this season.
Offensive juggernaut? Not so much.
Immovable defensive object?
It’s the Cover 2. Nope.
Week 4 should tell us something and that’s worth getting chubbed up for.
And since you’re in the mood, consider making Jay Cutler your baby daddy, even if you’re a man.
The Cowboys aren’t that good, or that bad. Neither are the Bears.
In a push, the home team gets the edge.
Cowboys 21
Bears 20
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Bears. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on September 27, 2012