By Carl Mohrbacher
Number Six Is Sick Of Sacks
The Bears QB spent more time on his back than a $5 prosti-turtle flipped on its shell. The good news is that there is no way Cutler will be sacked 52 times in 2011, like he was in 2010. The bad news is that he will only play nine games in 2011.
Runnin’ With The Devil
Many have demanded to know why the Bears didn’t attempt more rushing plays against the Saints. In an abbreviated press conference, Mike Martz briefly mumbled something about running backs who can’t run between the tackles “don’t get no paper” before announcing loudly that he had a bad case of diarrhea and stormed away from the podium.
Sha-not, Shalom
Gabe Carimi is likely to miss Sunday’s tilt with the Packers due to a knee injury, which means other than third-string long snapper Saul Bramburg, there are no Hebrews on the active roster. In order to meet the NFL roster requirements, Mort “Big Jew” Williams from accounting will be backing up Frank Omiyale.
“A” Is For Aaron . . .
He’s not just first in alphabetical order, but first in the hearts of Packers fans . . . at least the ones that don’t meet him in an airport. Unfortunately, “B” is for blowout and “C” is Caleb Hanie, who will be taking snaps by 5:34 in the third if the line doesn’t get its “F”-ing act together.
School Of Hard Knox
Dwindling confidence in Devin Hester and an injury to Earl Bennett will lead Jay Cutler to throw to Johnny Knox 35 times against the Packers. The other 35 targets will be divvied up between Matt Forte and those guys who run the first-down markers along the sideline.
Major Wrong
In order to avoid being burned over the top again, the Bears second-year safety will play exclusively on the five-yard line.
Kool-Aid (1 out of 5 pitchers)
Never a good sign when the air goes completely out of your season’s balloon in the third quarter of Week 2. Well, here we are.
The Bears can definitely win this game, but with enough patience and knockout gas I can definitely get busy with Mila Kunis.
I’m feeling as much hype for this game as I am for the aforementioned $5 prosti-turtle.
Sure I’m getting a shell-job, but I had to pay for it.
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Roger Wallenstein:
I believe the punter Podlesh also is Jewish. Tell the guy from accounting to back off.
Posted on September 22, 2011