By Natasha Julius
UPDATE, Jan. 30: Some late-breaking news: The incongruous Lenny Kravitz is out and the delightful Missy Elliott is in. It is strongly hinted that she will be performing Work It. It should also be noted that Missy Elliott guested on “Last Friday Night,” a song that chronicles the catastrophic effects of a spilled drink on Katy Perry’s circuitry. Apparently, it will wipe Katy Perry’s RAM cache and cause a glitch that repeats on subsequent Friday nights. It’s also a song that the NFL will never, ever, ever allow Katy Perry to play for obvious inebriated-rapey reasons (sample lyric: “There’s a stranger in my bed/there’s a pounding in my head”). These are the facts, people.
Anyone wishing to revise their predictions based on this new information, you have until Sunday at noon.
I don’t believe Katy Perry’s breasts will spout anything during Missy Elliott’s performance as this would not be a sufficiently hetero-normative display of temporary lesbianism.
You guys, the NFL gives up. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep women happy? Well, not so much “happy” as “not disgusted?” Women are really sensitive about random things like child abuse and cold-cocking your fiancee and buying off the San Jose police department. And when you say you have a zero tolerance policy, women will actually expect you to tolerate zero. What’s up with that?
That’s why this year, the league has decided to court the only easy-to-please group of females left on earth: four-year-old girls. While grown women will sniff, “It’ll take more than Idina Menzel singing the national anthem to distract me from Ballghazi,” four-year-old girls will squeal, “QUEEN ELSA!!!!” And while grown women decry the alienation of actual human superstar and domestic violence survivor Rihanna (not to mention caterwauling sack of consciously-uncoupled dicks Coldplay), four-year-old girls will squeal, “KATY PERRY!!!!”
Four-year-old girls adore Katy Perry because Katy Perry is a computer program designed to appeal to four-year-old girls. Also, horny straight men between the ages of 15 and 30. As such, Katy Perry’s core processor produces a binary progression of raunchy party anthems and up-tempo girl-power ballads. And then there’s “Dark Horse,” which was apparently composed while Katy Perry was being hacked by those Russian kids who keep stealing Target’s consumer data. The big question for our purposes is, given the NFL’s desperation to make it through halftime without pissing off another generation of female fans, how much raunch is too much?
Conventional wisdom would suggest that Katy Perry will not be kissing any girls during the Super Bowl halftime show. But as anyone who’s seen the video for “Firework” will tell you, Katy Perry’s circuitry overheats when forced to replicate too much human emotion, causing Katy Perry’s breasts to spark uncontrollably. At least that’s what I told my four-year-old girl, who loves Katy Perry. It should also be noted that Katy Perry will be joined on stage by Lenny Kravitz, for no apparent reason. It’s sort of like that time Russell Brand “married” Katy Perry, only weirder.
Before I get to the official Halftime Show Bet questions, I feel I have to promo the real match-up next Sunday. Forget Russell “Weepy” Wilson versus Tom “Squishy” Brady. I had drinks with reigning champion Jason Hedien a couple months back and let’s just say he knows a lot more about Katy Perry than a childless adult male should. But I will quote an e-mail from our once and future king Elan Meier, sent February 2, 2014: “Next Year’s Super Bowl Performer: Katy Perry. That’s it, I called it . . . Katy fuckin’ Perry”
Anyway, here are the picks you must pick:
1. Which songs will Katy Perry perform during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
2. Which song(s) will Lenny Kravitz perform during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
3. Will Katy Perry’s programming allow Katy to interact realistically with Lenny Kravitz?
4. Which coach from NBC’s The Voice will make a surprise appearance?
5. How many costumes will Katy Perry wear?
6. Male backup dancers: clothed or shirtless?
7. What will ejaculate from Katy Perry’s breasts during Katy Perry’s performance?
The official Pepsi commercial promo has featured the song “Firework.” In past seasons, the song featured in the Pepsi promo has always been performed.
Get your picks in by noon central next Sunday to be considered. My picks below.
1. Katy Perry will play:
– Roar
– Part of Me
– Hot and Cold
– Teenage Dream
– Firework
2. Lenny Kravitz will play “American Woman,” possibly as an intro for Katy Perry, whose breasts will ejaculate red, white and blue confetti.
3. No.
4. Pharrell Williams.
5. One costume per song.
6. Shirtless.
7. In addition to the aforementioned confetti, Katy Perry’s breasts will ejaculate a different substance every other song, including tequila shooters, guacamole and, of course, refreshing Pepsi-Cola.
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Previously In Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Coverage:
* The 2009 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Bracket: Bruce Springsteen Edition.
* The Who’s 2010 Super Bowl Suckage.
* Let’s Not Get It Started And Say We Did: The 2011 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Prop Bet.
* The 2012 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Bet: Madonna Edition.
* The 2013 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Bet: Beyoncé Knowles Edition.
* Tweeting The 2014 Super Bowl Suckage: Bruno Mars & Red Hot Chili Peppers Edition.
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See also:
* Don’t Have A Super Bowl Food Safety Foul!
* Illinois Department Of Agriculture Gets The Super Bowl Party Started.
* The Super Bowl Is Decadent And Depraved.
* Katy Perry Still No. 1.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on January 27, 2015