By Marty Gangler
This week we here at The Cub Factor would like to help out our favorite team. They’ve had a tough week.
With this in mind we thought we’d produce a psychological screening test the Cubs should use before on all free agents or players whose contracts are up for renewal. Because, well, it’s clear they need some help in that department.
Here we go:
1. Would anyone you know, to your knowledge, call you crazy? If so, who, and why?
2. Do you have any imaginary friends? If so, can they play second base or pitch the 8th inning?
3. Do you converse with God (or another God-like entity)? If so, does this entity answer you back? If so, what does it tell you?
4. Do you have unresolved childhood issues? If so, how much money would it take to resolve them?
5. Do you still wet the bed, the mound or the batter’s box?
6. Finish this sentence. Things that go wrong in my life are:
A) My fault
B) Your fault
C) God’s fault
D) Fuck you, D-Lee!
7. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
A) An oak
B) A maple
C) The kind of tree that hates all the other trees
8. Did you have any bad experiences with Gatorade as a child?
9. Are you the most misunderstood human being to have ever lived?
10. Are you being seen by a whole team of psychiatrists or just one specialist?
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Week in Review: The Cubs went 2-4 this week but more importantly lost the coveted BP Cup. Nothing else very interesting happened.
Week in Preview: The Cubs try to press on without the services of Big Z as they come home for three against the Pirates and four against the Reds. Borrring!
The Second Basemen Report: Ryan Theriot started five of this week’s six games, with Jeff Baker getting the other start. What is interesting about this is that Starlin Castro is now batting in the .260s. Which is less than Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot, who are both in the .280s now and were both hitting above .300 when Castro was called up. So the Cubs would be better going with what they wanted to go with in the first place. Although Starlin Castro brings those intangibles to the field – like not being able to properly apply a tag at second base. You know, just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Ryne Sandberg is coaching the Iowa Cubs. But with any luck he won’t be for long. He is missed – for now.
The Zam Bomb: For those who were traveling through space, here’s a replay of what happened on Friday:
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The Zam Bomb’s current status is “Suspended,” but we don’t have artwork for that. Sources also report that on Friday night he was “Satiated” after dinner with White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen, on Saturday he was both “Confused” and “Misunderstood,” and now he’s back to “Getting Angry” all over again. One thing he isn’t is “Apologetic.”
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Lost in Translation: Looky-looky ina mirrorieo is Japanese for Jim Hendry sucks.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Big Z for the Fourth of July.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 30% sweet, 70% sour. Lou is down only one point this week even though you would think it should be more. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou knows that he is partially to blame for the porch out back collapsing but it was his old lady who bought that lousy wood that everyone knew was damaged. So it is kind of more her fault if you ask him.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Users of Ameritrade traded less on the service due to wondering why the Ricketts are doing nothing about this Cubs roster.
Over/Under: The length of Big Z’s suspension: +/- not long enough.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Jim Hendry has no business running a baseball team.
Agony & Ivy: Chock full of Big Z commentary; plus, vote on Big Z’s new nickname!
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Back down to Green. A post-coital-like serenity has returned to Mount Lou, but don’t expect it to last long. Big Z is gone but the Pirates are here.
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Posted on June 28, 2010