By The Beachwood Parking Bureau
Be extra careful this year of the city’s winter parking rules, which went into effect at midnight. There are a few new twists.
* Any car parked anywhere overnight in the city during the winter is subject to booting depending on an algorithm involving the city’s cash-on-hand.
* Cars with snow on them will be considered a safety risk and in violation of the new rules and be towed. Cars with frost on them will just get a ticket.
* If you voted against the mayor, you will be ticketed.
* If you opposed the Olympics, you will be ticketed.
* If your alderman is Joe Moore, you will be ticketed.
* On the first and third Mondays of every month, cars will not be allowed to park on the north or east side of the street. On the second and fourth Tuesdays of every month, cars will not be allowed to park on the south or west side of the street. On the third Wednesday of every month, cars will not be allowed to park on either side of the street. Every second month, the Monday rules shift to Tuesday. Every third month, the Tuesday rules shift to Wednesday. Every fourth month, the Wednesday rules shift to Friday. On days when no rules seem to apply, all rules apply.
* If you blaspheme the new parking meters, you will be ticketed.
* Lovie Smith will be ticketed.
* Anyone found chuckling at a John Kass column will be booted. Beat up first, then booted.
* All patronage workers are exempt from winter parking rules.
* Oprah is now subject to ticketing.
* Every time it snows, Tom Skilling will be ticketed.
* People who drive like it’s the first snowfall ever in Chicago will be pulled over and beat mercilessly. No ticketing, however. Why leave a paper trail?
* Driving your car in winter has now been privatized; you must now pay someone to do it for you.
* Residents are encouraged to break the rules because the city needs the money.
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Your suggestions welcome.
Posted on December 1, 2009