By Scott Buckner
* Chicago River reverses itself. Also no longer be “green.”
* Memorial statue erected – on Block 37.
* Citizens confused by CTA trains and buses running on time.
* One-day parking meter holiday declared. No, make that 75-year parking meter holiday declared.
* Children in Hell enjoy unprecedented Snow Day.
* Ed Vrdolyak starts plotting comeback. Body count to follow
* TV stations devote entire day to playing nothing but solemn classical music. Because that’s what they do in Russia.
* Fourth star removed from Chicago flag. Because that’s what they do in Russia.
* Citizenry suddenly drops infamous “deze, dem, doze” dialect and starts conversing normally.
* U.S. government notices sudden spike in unemployed “consultants.”
* Pritzker family starts shopping other cities to plaster their name all over.
* Jody Weis spends a whole morning trying to figure what to do with 200 more cops.
* Chicago press corp breathes collective sigh of relief over not having to worry about shotguns being shoved up their ass anymore.
* John Kass spends entire week figuring out what the hell he’s going to write about now.
* City Hall janitors annoyed over constantly having to wash Sharpie-marker Mexican mustaches and devil horns off official mayoral wall photo.
* Offshore banks declare official day of mourning.
* Sears announces it wants its goddamn tower back.
* City underlings start noticing their bosses really aren’t wearing clothes.
* Joins Twitter and Facebook as a private citizen. Gets no followers or friends.
* City workers prank him by carving big Xes into his driveway in the middle of the night.
* Starts getting CareerBuilder.com e-mails asking if he’s ever considered a future selling insurance or propane and propane accessories.
* Takes up metal detecting hobby because he misses “digging shit up.”
* Sends 2,000 unanswered texts to Rahm Emanuel and Mike Madigan to drop by his Memorial Day cookout.
* You’re kidding! Eight dollars an hour to park my car here? How the fuck do you people live???
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Comments welcome.
Posted on July 26, 2010