By The Beachwood Tyranny Affairs Desk
According to a Beachwood panel of political experts.
* Out him as the guy behind Groupon’s Super Bowl ads.
* Unearth racy interpretive dance footage.
* Rahm’s signature discovered on parking meter deal!
* Exclusive! Rahm was on the board of Freddie Mac! Oh, wait . . .
* Name Rahm the new black consensus candidate and hope for white backlash.
* Circulate blue-light camera footage of Rahm setting up two Redskins folding chairs in a parking space that his renter shoveled out – it’s a dibs controversy and a residency controversy all in one!
* Get Roland Burris to endorse him.
* Discover Rahm’s real birth certificate – in Green Bay.
* Leak documents revealing his interest in Lincoln Towing.
* Throw a brick through Gery Chico’s window.
* Challenge his residency. Oh, wait . . .
* Say that Rahm said he invented the El.
* “Rahm was against the Bears before he was for them.”
* Fake press release: “Rahm to Oprah: ‘This is MY town now, bitch!'”
* Have Crane Kenney get a priest to bless his campaign headquarters.
* Newly discovered documents find that Rahm hired Angelo Torres.
* Newly discovered documents find that Rahm is Angelo Torres.
* Photos show basement boxes full of cheeseheads.
* Fake press release II: “Emanuel: ‘Who’s up for a WINTER Olympics bid, huh?'”
* Have Lovie Smith announce that Rahm hurt his knee and has to pull out of the race.
* Fake press release III: “Emanuel’s First Privatization Deal – There’s Nothing Like Cruising the Lakefront on Willis Drive.”
* Leaked documents reveal that Rahm intends to amend the parking meter deal; unfortunately, the planned amendment is to add a Personal Space License provision, charging lessees a one-time fee for the right to pay for a space.
* Drop a dime to Sneed suggesting that Rahm is a sleeper al-Qaeda agent.
* Ambush Rahm at an El stop with a game of Neighborhood Jeopardy.
* Ambush Rahm at an El stop and ask him for directions to Beach and Wood.
* Start a news organization that doesn’t bow before our new overlord.
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– Scott Buckner, Beachwood Mark, Tim Willette, Tom Chambers, Steve Rhodes
Posted on February 10, 2011