By The Beachwood Zero-Based Budgeting Bureau
“Democratic Gov. Pat Quinn will deliver a bad-news budget Wednesday, suggesting that Illinois close numerous prisons, mental health centers and social service offices, cut health care for the poor and shut down popular tourist sites for two days a week at times during the year,” the Tribune reports.
It’s going to be even worse than that, the Beachwood has learned. Sources tell us Quinn will propose the following:
* State corrections facilities will become Noble Charter Prisons. Fines for dull shanks will offset costs for solitary confinement.
* From now on, Illinois will share its lieutenant governor with Indiana.
* Sneed will have to start paying for every “tip” we leak to her for PR purposes.
* Slot machines now allowed on food trucks.
* Future budget speeches will be cancelled to save money; proposal will just be posted to Pinterest.
* Will take another run at that Rahm swear jar.
* All facilities for mentally ill will be closed including the capitol.
* A new tax on campaign lawn signs.
* State police will move to drone model; governor already there.
* University of Illinois will be turned over to Noble Charters. Fines for messy beer pong players will be used to pay adjunct faculty.
* Illinois residents now required to play Pat Quinn’s birthday on the lottery every day, because those numbers never come up.
* Illinois.gov will now have a paywall.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on February 21, 2012