Another Beachwood Special Report
“A new selective-enrollment high school named after President Barack Obama is coming to the Near North Side, CPS officials announced Thursday.”
As we are wont to do, we have the scoop.
The Beachwood I-Team has learned the following about Obama High:
* Bruce Rauner’s daughter already enrolled.
* If you like your homework, you can keep your homework.
* Detention will be held offsite and last indefinitely.
* Kids will be told the H. in Barack H. Obama High School stands for Harold.
* Taco Day is every day. Only they’re not tacos, they’re kale burgers.
* The school’s position on admitting gay students is evolving.
* 30% of the school’s seats will be reserved for neighborhood kids, but they’ll only get a Bronze education.
* Notes passed in class will be monitored by a factor of three hops.
* Every student required to fill out an NCAA bracket; teachers will prep on this for weeks.
* Enrollment for the fall semester closes at the end of August. Okay, September. Okay, March.
* Ukrainian students will pretty much be on their own.
* Same for Afghani students.
* And Syrian.
* Also Iraqi.
* And Yemeni.
* Most Pakastani students, too.
* Oh, and Somalis.
* No fatties.
* All students required to sign up with the school nurse.
* Security will be quietly handled by Academi, Lockheed Martin, EADS and Booz Allen Hamilton.
* All doors will be revolving.
* NO PRESS ALLOWED.
* The school will specialize in Rhetoric.
* Of course, it’s really a spy school.
* Rahm will still send his kids to Lab.
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Contributing: Andrew Reilly, Natasha Julius, J.J. Tindall, Eric Emery, Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes
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Comments welcome.
Posted on April 25, 2014