By The Beachwood Chicago Way Affairs Desk
From dolphins with mops to a series of nuclear explosions, everyone seems to have a solution for cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico except BP. Here are ours, straight outta Chicago.
* Bribe the oil spill. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Threaten the oil spill with an opponent in the next election. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Offer the oil spill a place in the Daley administration – or perhaps on the bench – in exchange for dropping out of the Gulf. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Whack it. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Dolphins with wires. Every oil spill should know by now to always behave as if other spills are wearing wires, yet they keep spilling. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Allow the spill to replace itself after the election with its less illustrious kin. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Propose toothless oil spill reform to pretend the problem has been addressed and move on. It’s the Chicago Way.
* I know the oil spill is important, but somebody just fired a shot through the window of my campaign office!
* Challenge the oil spill’s ballot petitions. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Co-opt the spill by funding it forever on subsistence wages and false hope. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Organize the Independent Reform Organization (IRO) out of ex-cons and city workers to represent the interests of the oil spill while pretending the goal is to clean it up. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Create a TIF district that will reward BP with future tax revenues to improve its spill while depriving the rest of the Gulf of public investment. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Gerrymander a congressional district around the contours of the oil spill and send a Machine pol to Washington as its representative. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Create a media strategy for the oil spill that will have the rest of the world crowing about the greatest oil spill ever even as Gulf residents suffer. It’s the Chicago Way.
* Millennium Oil Spill Waterpark. Because it’s a complicated project put together in a hurry, only no-bid contracts will suffice. It’s the Chicago Way.
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Beachwood reader Mark:
* Get Rahm Emanuel to bully the spill into capping itself. Plenty of dead fish to send as a message.
* Put up a new blue-light camera. Maybe the spill wouldn’t be so cavalier if it knew the CPD was watching.
* Promise the spill a spot on the clout list to get upgraded to a more prestigious body of water. You like the Caribbean? Stop leaking now and we’ll put Arne Duncan’s initials next to your name.
* Despite all the money and effort expended thus far, this well just refuses to shut up and do what it’s supposed to do. Maybe it’s time to consider moving it to the bullpen as an 8th inning setup man.
* Install a new parking paybox in the Gulf. Now the spill can only stay for two more hours or the city will come cap it with a boot.
2. From Spencer Maus:
* Tax the residents of the Gulf Coast, since this is free oil.
* Send in Jon Burge and his team to handle it.
* Blame the whole thing on Asian Carp chewing a hole in the pipe.
Posted on May 18, 2010