By The Beachwood Fitzmas Affairs Desk
1. Is There A Dumber Boy?
(To the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”)
Here’s a Senate seat for you
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Some gifts and cash will do
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Pay-offs and bribes I did accrue
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Read all about it in the Tribune
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Now my name is scum
Corruption and scandal I did bring
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
The Fed’s were listening
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
How Patti and I could sing
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
But not like that guy Sting
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Like the Cubs, I’m a bum
They want me to resign
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Are you out of your mind?
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Saturday Night Live was so unkind
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
A slicker hair-do you won’t find
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Who says blonds have more fun?
Merry Christmas, Peace and Joy
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
My career is now destroyed
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
With Kerner, Walker, Ryan, just one of the boys
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
The disgraced governors of Illinois
I’m dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb
Now where is the sun?
Someone get me my gun.
Prison in Wisconsin
– Green Bay Bill
2. ‘Twas the Night Before Fitzmas
‘Twas the night before Fitzmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even the louse,
He had no way of knowing,
What the morning would bring,
But he found out at 6,
When Fitz gave him a ring
Those plum jobs and board seats
That danced through his head,
For him and for Patti,
Alongside him in bed
All faded and withered
As soon as he spoke,
And listened to find
That this was no joke
In blue sweats and t-shirt
His dreams interrupted,
Blago was handcuffed,
By the brave and uncorrupted
And as news of his brazenness
through the neighborhood spread
Illinois – and the world –
Yelled “Off with his head!”
He’d dare to dangle
Saint Obama’s gold seat
Least that’s what Fitz said
between every bleep
He played Candidate 1
off Candidate 5
With typical aplomb
of that ol’ Blago jive
Beyond Obama, Rod’s tentacles spread
To hospitals where children
Lay sick in their beds
It sickened the worst of us,
Including Dick Mell,
And reached even to Wrigley,
Which Zell could not sell
A national joke, a world-class clown
Rod posted his bail and and took a ride downtown
He visited his office, for the very first time
“So this is what it looks like!”
He said so sublime
The phone from Dan Webb
It did not ring
That’s okay, he said, Ed Genson’s the king
Now, Rezko! Now, Harris! Now, Kelly and Lon Monk!
Ali Ata! You gotta!
Talk out of your funk!
To the front of the bus! To the top of the list!
Now sing away! Sing away! Sing away all!
Don’t stand in the doorway, don’t block up the hall!
In Ravenswood they huddle
As the vultures do fly
Their own deals to make
For them do not cry
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
CNN and Fox and Chuck Goudie, the goof
They drew a deep breathe, and ran from the stairs
Who is it? Who is it? Who is it up there?
Down the chimney Geraldo came with a bound.
His baggage came with him, his mustache renowned,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Like the day in Iraq his career went kaput,
His eyes – how they twinkled! upper lip oh so hairy!
His glasses so trendy, his sneer so contrary!
His prey was before him, wrapped up with a bow,
And Geraldo just knew now, he’d get his own show;
He smiled at ol’ Blago, showed the gap in his teeth,
And despite Blago’s f-bombs, he would not retreat,
“Just give me the first sit down, live on the telly,
And I’ll pay you enough, to fill your lawyer’s fat belly,”
Blago spoke not a word, on his attorney’s advice,
And his silence was captured, on a listening device,
Geraldo said “I know Blago, this isn’t your fault,”
While he dreamt of big ratings like Al Capone’s vault
But Blago threw out the newsman, like a heat-seeking missile,
He knew better than squealing, he won’t blow the whistle,
Unless, of course, Fitz’s offer is right,
“Happy Fitzmas to all, and to all a good-night
– Rick Kaempfer, Mike Knezovich, Steve Rhodes
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EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, I know we’re not close to being the first to get there, but we embarked on this tomfoolery last week wholly ignorant of other efforts until it was too late.
*
SEE ALSO: Blago Rock.
Posted on December 16, 2008