By Stephanie B Goldberg
1. The tabs are saying that Lindsay Lohan is flirting with the idea of converting to Judaism, the religion of her main squeeze. Which is fine by us, as long as she pays her dues. We’ve always thought that converts ought to have their faith tested the same way ours was during childhood – by eating Grandma’s dreaded cholent, forgoing Christmas presents and – last but not least – having a humiliating theme bat mitzvah.
2. You say you love Michael Phelps but do you mean it? Prove your devotion by bidding $20,000 on eBay for an autographed painting of Michael dashing to the finish line. If that’s a little steep, you can choose a replica of his Speedo bathing cap for $19.99.
3. Scratch an insomniac and you’ll find an infomercial connoisseur. Up until recently, we had to content ourselves with paranoid pitches by Kevin Trudeau and that weird ponytail guy who sells colon cleansers. Now, however, Barack Obama is using infomercials to get out his message of hope and change. Frankly, we just want to know if he can clear up our skin and improve our sex life.
4. This is just sacrilege. On the other hand, Conan the Barbarian could only be improved by bringing back its original star and having him subdue armies of civil servants by freezing their paychecks.
5. The Step-n-Pull may be God’s gift to OCDs who are fearful of touching restroom doorknobs. The device is a metal plate that attaches to the bottom of the door so you can open and close the door with your foot. We always make a point of bringing along a robotic arm for just such occasions.
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Stephanie B. Goldberg brings you the Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week every Friday.
Posted on August 15, 2008