What to look for on the red carpet.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
ALAN ARKIN will be wearing a single-breasted, two-button, peak-lapel tuxedo from Hugo Boss, a white formal shirt, and a rose-colored tie in a shade that matches the second degree burns on his Johnson.
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DJIMON HOUNSOU will be wearing a one-button tuxedo with peak lapels and besom pockets by Ozwald Boateng paired with a silver formal necktie accented with a simple emerald-cut cubic zirconia tie pin, but he will be too sexy for his shirt.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY will raise eyebrows in choice number three: the classic single-breasted, one-button, notch-lapel tuxedo from Rent-A-Tux. The traditional double-pleated, black tuxedo pants will be included at no extra charge. His accessories – a black silk adam’s apple cozy.
EDDIE MURPHY will be wearing a foam-latex, female fat suit by Rick Baker and a short, purple, pareo-style Hawaiian muumuu with floral-shirred sleeve and ruffled neck from Hilo Hattie of Waikiki. Hair by Wig Barn of Beverly Hills. His accessories – advertising fliers for his new movie, Norbit.
MARK WAHLBERG will hit the red carpet in a single-breasted, three-button tuxedo from Calvin Klein, paired with underwear from Calvin Klein that will be filled with the notorious 13-inch prosthetic penis courtesy of the producers of Boogie Nights.
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Best Actress in a Supporting Role
ADRIANA BARRAZA will look stunning in Mexican designer Pineda Cobalim‘s red silk corset-waist gown with full-length skirt and enormous bell sleeves. The sleeves will be made of papier-mache, colorful tissue paper, and natural raffia, and filled with sweets, sugar cane, balloons, candy, and small toys.
CATE BLANCHETT will be wearing a Jeffrey Sebelia design from an unaired third-season episode of Project Runway. Designers were given the challenge of creating a garment from nontraditional materials gathered from a local Bronx slaughterhouse, and the theme “When you accidentally taste some of your own earwax.”
ABIGAIL BRESLIN will struggle to fit her 11-year-old frame into a too-short, too-tight, low-cut Atelier Versace white-lace dress she is borrowing from socialite Nicole Richie. Richie, who has been slimming down for Oscar night, will be wearing the outfit provided with the Bratz Forever Diamondz Yasmin doll play set.
JENNIFER HUDSON will be described as sexy, voluptuous, gorgeous, fabulous, radiant, dramatic, regal, stunning, amazing, incredible, fabulous, delectable, distinctive, divine, exquisite, heavenly, juicy, lush, luxurious, mouth-watering, opulent, rich, savory, scrumptious, succulent, sumptuous, buxom, curvaceous, enticing, erotic, luscious, lush, provocative, seductive, sensual, sensuous, shapely, comely, healthy, hearty, lusty, robust, well-proportioned, well-rounded, winsome, zaftig, and Rubenesque in a cranberry silk dress by Vera Wang, but no one will mention her weight. Her bag and matching shoes will be made from Simon Cowell’s skin.
RINKO KIKUCHI will be the talk of the red carpet in a gown designed by Marjan Pejoski, where Poe-inspired consumptive child bride tuberculosis-chic meets antebellum fiddle-dee-dee mista John Wilkes’ twelve oaks garden party couture in a black silk tulle dress with heart-shaped, drop-shoulder neckline, ruffled bottom, bust, and sleeve trim with blood-red lace decollete. Her accessories – pale skin, dark undereye circles, jutting bones, and “the life still there, upon her hair – the death upon her eyes.”
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Best Actress in a Leading Role
HELEN MIRREN will look very regal this year wearing a sleeveless gown in a pale, Tudor rose-colored satin designed by Vivienne Westwood, and an ermine-trimmed fur cape. Her accessories – the Imperial State Crown, Scepter, and Jeweled Cross and Orb provided by The House of Windsor.
JUDI DENCH will be wearing an ill-fitting, plaid, flannel tuxedo designed by k.d. lang paired with a white, formal, cotton t-shirt shirt and leather bolo tie. Stainless-steel ear studs, spiked choker, and wristlet by Van Cleef & Arpels; jackboots by Jimmy Choo; hair by Drew Carey.
MERYL STREEP will walk down the red carpet in a red, one-shoulder, silk gown by Prada. THE DEVIL will be wearing Hugo Boss.
KATE WINSLET will look stunning in a hand-beaded, hand-woven, Bombyx silk Badgley Mischka gown in shades of gendale. Her shoes will be Stuart Weitzman‘s diamond stiletto sandals studded with 565 platinum-set Kwait diamonds. She will wear two 30-carat, pear-shaped diamond drop earrings worth $8.5 million by Harry Winston. Her hair will be done by Industrial Light & Magic. Her $64,800 Hermes “Birken” bag, adorned with tangerine crocodile skin and trimmed with palladium hardware and a diamond clasp will contain: 2 broken crayons, an expired McDonalds kid’s meal coupon, a handful of napkins from KFC, a tube of Walgreens Chap-ette brand lib balm, and $1.23 in change.
PENELOPE CRUZ will be the critic’s choice this year wearing only a modern, form-fitting Jean Paul Gaultier frock made entirely of Saran Wrap; hair and makeup by Hustler Magazine. Landscaping by some Brazilian guy.
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Best Actor in a Leading Role
LEONARDO DICAPRIO will cater to the Academy in a conservative three-button tuxedo trimmed with a high-notch satin lapel by Valentino, paired with a white formal evening shirt and black silk tie.
FOREST WHITAKER will cater to the Academy in a conservative three-button tuxedo trimmed with a high-notch satin lapel by Giorgio Armani, paired with a white formal evening shirt and black silk tie.
WILL SMITH will cater to the Academy in a conservative three-button tuxedo trimmed with a high-notch satin lapel by Versace, paired with a white formal evening shirt and black silk tie.
RYAN GOSLING will cater to the Academy in a conservative three-button tuxedo trimmed with a high-notch satin lapel by Gucci, paired with a white formal evening shirt and black silk tie.
PETER O’TOOLE will be wearing an olive tweed jacket trimmed with suede elbow patches and brown corduroy pants with suede side stripe by Henry Poole of Savile Row, paired with a claret-colored shirt and blue silk cravat. Always a class act, Peter will create Oscar buzz this year by carrying a foam finger that reads “Lucky Number 8” on one side and “Bugger Off” on the other.
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Best Direction
STEPHEN FREARS will be wearing the look that made Rodney Dangerfield a star – a saggy, wrinkled, dark suit, white shirt, and red tie by Men’s Warehouse. He will accessorize with matching saggy, wrinkled, dark eye bags.
PAUL GREENGRASS will borrow director Peter Jackson’s old tuxedo from Oscar night 2004. The tuxedo, which has until now been stored in a crumpled ball in the back of a closet in Jackson’s New Zealand home, will be worn unlaundered, untailored, and unpressed, with an open collar shirt and no tie.
ALEJANDRO GONZALEZ INARRITU will be wearing a Prada two-button tuxedo, unbuttoned white shirt, black silk aviator scarf, five o’clock shadow, and monobrow. Hair and smile by Roberto Benigni.
MARTIN SCORSESE selected an Italian-made, three-button tuxedo with satin peak lapels, a white shirt, and black satin bowtie. His accessories will be his signature black-framed glasses, talent, and class, though he will consider borrowing O’Toole’s foam finger if the need arises.
CLINT EASTWOOD will take his fashion cues from Slade Gordon and Lee Herbert Hamilton and wear classic square-state Republican senator attire: a dark suit, white shirt, and striped tie from Orrin Hatch’s wardrobe. His accessories will be the rest of the 9/11 Commission.
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Best Picture
BABEL winners will receive their Oscars wearing looks of smug self-satisfaction, pompous over-importance, and teary, righteous indignation.
THE DEPARTED winners will receive their Oscars wearing looks of assertive self-confidence. There will be excessive use of the words “fuck” and “cocksucker” as “Gimme Shelter” plays in the background. If this picture does not win, there will be unlimited use of the words “fuck” and “cocksucker.”
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA winners will receive their Oscars wearing American-flag lapel pins and proud, steely-eyed, wistful, patriotic smiles.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE winners will receive their Oscars wearing looks of astonishment, bewilderment, and amazement.
THE QUEEN winners will receive their Oscars in a pleasantly reserved manner wearing discrete emotional facial expressions, the slightest hint of a smile, and a royal wave (the one they use when they’re inside an expensive car, not the kind they use when they’re in a horse drawn carriage).
Posted on February 22, 2007