By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Can books endure in a 140-character world?”
So. Let’s see.
Call me Ishmael. Some years ago–never mind how long precisely–having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me o
Well. OK.
Maybe not.
Moby-Dick is 8,609 tweets long, by the way.
News Headline: “Christmas gun sales soar in U.S.”
News Headline: “Ex-Salvation Army director charged in toy theft.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!
News Item: Record number of women elected to U.S. Congress.
News Item: No women named to chair House committees.
So? Who do women think they are? Men?
We Have Seen the Present, and It Does Not Work:
Climate change caused in part by fossil fuels has pushed back the Arctic ice enough to allow tankers carrying fossil fuels to make shorter Arctic crossings, increasing the profits of the companies selling the fossil fuels that contribute to climate change.
News Headline: “What happens if the Big Ten goes to 16 teams?”
R.M., a Las Vegas reader, theorizes that the conference may go to an even higher number in its search for a team the Fighting Illini can beat.
It is a cruel theory.
News Headline: “Anti-tax lobbyist Norquist slams latest tax pledge defector.”
News Headline: “GOP lawmakers face heat over tax pledge.”
All together now, class:
What is the first rule of politics?
Never put your lies in writing.
QT Digest of a Deposition by Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan in a Lawsuit Regarding Mortgage Irregularities (for Your Convenience):
“. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . no, I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . not that I recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I’m not sure that I recall. . . I don’t recall one way or the other. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall specifically. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall specifically. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . not something that I recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall either way. . . I don’t remember. . . I don’t recall. . . on that I have no recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . I really don’t recall that. . . I don’t recall it. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall off the top of my head. . . I don’t recall it. . . I don’t recall. . . I don’t recall. . . ”
OK. Just so he isn’t hiding anything.
News Headline: “Large eruptions continuing on sun.”
News Headline: “Large asteroid has close call with Earth.”
News Headline: “Lake in France turns blood red.”
News Headline: “Chinese river turns blood red.”
News Headline: “Australian beach turns blood red.”
Not that there is anything to worry about.
QT Early Warning System:
Rick Santorum is “open” to a 2016 presidential run.
Not that there is anything to worry about.
News Headline: “Obama ‘demonization’ gone too far?”
Whoa. Wait.
When we see a Kenyan Muslim with Satanic links who was fathered by Malcolm X and mentored by Hugo Chavez and who recently used classified military technology to cause Hurricane Sandy and will soon confiscate all firearms and put millions of Americans in re-education camps while turning the country over to the United Nations while canceling the U.S. Constitution so he can run for a third term as president, how is it possible to go too far?
From a can of V8 in QT’s refrigerator:
“100% VEGETABLE JUICE FROM CONCENTRATE WITH ADDED INGREDIENTS.”
Add 100% to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
News Headline: “Romney canceled campaign credit cards after concession speech, leaving staff stranded.”
Mitt Romney’s campaign autobiography No Apology has slipped from 601,550th to 698,415th on the on the Amazon best-seller list, for those keeping track.
News Headline: “Two alligators, a pole dancer and pot at Olympia area shooting scene.”
There is probably an interesting story behind that.
From Poor QT’s Almanack:
Theologian John Bunyan, who wrote, “The road of denial leads to the precipice of destruction,” was born 384 years ago on the 28th day of National Fun with Fondue Month.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
S.W., a Kendall, Wis., reader, writes:
“You used the headline: ‘Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative.’ Should it be ‘Dark Ages were’ or, as it refers to a single period, ‘Dark Ages was’?”
Well. Look at it this way:
The Dark Ages occurred in the latter half of the millennium before last.
But there were a number of ages involved that varied in length and darkness from place to place.
So some dictionaries call the whole thing a “plural noun” and leave it at that.
Which suits QT, which has Christmas shopping to do.
Or should QT have said “there was a number of ages”?
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
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Posted on November 28, 2012