By Zay N. Smith
The federal budget sequester will start on National Self-Injury Awareness Day.
News Headline: “Montana bill would give corporations the right to vote.”
Come to think of it:
Why not let corporations run for office?
Then our politicians could be in their own pockets.
Talk about efficiency in government.
News Headline: “Texas public schools teaching 6,000-year-old Earth.”
News Headline: “NRA leader says feds are preparing to seize guns.”
News Headline: “Obama’s birth certificate still being questioned by some.”
News Headline: “Kerry defends liberties, says Americans have ‘right to be stupid.’ ”
A timely reminder.
News Headline: “Dennis Rodman visits North Korea.”
It’s time we got tough.
And if North Korea tests another nuke, we’ll send Kim and Kanye.
News Item: “. . . reveals that Yahoo employees are called ‘Yahoos.’ Hi, I’m a Yahoo. . . .”
Which is to say:
Hi, I’m a crude and brutish person.
Or so QT’s dictionaries have it.
QT Googled Yahoo, also.
And as long as we are at it: There are currently 2,460 Google hits for “tap-dancing militant Islamic fundamentalists.”
And only 26 Yahoo hits.
But what can we expect from crude and brutish people?
News Headline: “Biological evidence that women talk more than men, study says.”
What? Sorry, QT wasn’t listening.
T.H., a Chicago reader, regarding another reader’s mention that the mislabeling of fish in restaurants and grocery stores caused officials to schedule a herring and QT’s asking everyone to please stop playing with fish names, writes:
“Abalone!”
Cod almighty, it never stops.
News Headline: “Man charged with burrito assault.”
The man denied he was trying tequila when the question arroz.
This really has to stop.
News Headline: “Woman calls 911 for cigarettes.”
As smokers nod in quiet understanding.
QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Exar has acquired Altior.
News Headline: “Benedict XVI to keep his name and become pope emeritus.”
Or as Jack Finarelli, a Falls Church, Va., reader, suggests: The Pastor Formerly Known as Pontiff.
News Headline: “Shirtless Lawrence man barges into strangers’ home with stolen sword, blind cat.”
There is probably an interesting story behind that.
From Poor QT’s Almanack:
On this day 97 years ago Peter De Vries was born, and if you want to know why he is QT’s favorite modern writer, consider:
“Anyone informed that the universe is expanding and contracting in pulsations of eighty billion years has a right to ask, ‘What’s in it for me?’ ”
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
All right. So let’s forget grammar and usage today.
Peter De Vries also wrote:
+ “The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums.”
+ “Human nature is pretty shabby stuff, as you may know from introspection.”
+ “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”
+ “It is final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.”
The De Vries novel to start with is The Vale of Laughter.
Or maybe The Mackerel Plaza.
You can work your way up to The Blood of the Lamb.
QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. QT welcomes your comments. For more QT, visit the QT archives. QT is also on Facebook.
Posted on February 27, 2013