By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Obama is sworn in for second term: ‘I did it.'”
What President Obama meant to say, of course, was that he did it with the help of a teacher along the way, maybe, and system that allowed him to thrive and somebody who. . . .
He did mean to say that, didn’t he?
Hey. Wait a minute. . . .
News Headline: “New regulations on the way for food safety.”
News Headline: “Propose tighter regulations for all-metal hip implants.”
Always the first step.
Soon they will try to take away our food.
And our hips.
And we all know who they are.
News Headline: “Five ways to honor Martin Luther King Jr.”
One of the ways might be:
Mark his day on January 15, his birthday, to show that the purpose is to honor him, not have another day to move around for the convenience of another three-day weekend, which is how we treat Memorial Day and Veterans Day, also, and shame on us.
Or put it another way.
Think ahead a few months this year.
Happy Eighth of July!
Tom Hedeen, a Chicago reader, regarding QT’s noting that there is probably an interesting story behind the headline “Man arrested after running naked in law firm,” writes:
“Perhaps they should have drawn up his briefs.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.
News Item: Cars in New Rochelle, N.Y., are damaged by fruit-throwing vandals.
Police are investigating persimmons of interest.
OK. It is hard to stop.
The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
A 5-year-old girl in Mount Carmel, Pa., was suspended and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation after she told a classmate she was going to shoot another little girl with her Hello Kitty gun, which sprays pink bubbles.
News Headline: “Cross-dressing, porn store-owning priest busted in meth ring.”
Everybody’s a critic.
News Headline: “School guard leaves gun in bathroom.”
News Headline: “5 hurt in accidental shootings at 3 U.S. gun shows.”
As the first National Gun Appreciation Day drew to its close . . . and the next day began.
News Headline: “Bill Gates: I have no use for money.”
Oh, be quiet.
News Headline: “Michelle Obama wears bangs, Reed Krakoff dress to swearing-in.”
News Headline: “Prediction: Michelle Obama will wear a repeat gown on Inauguration Day.”
The day will come when we have a woman president–and a First Gentlemen will have to put up with all this endless fashion reporting.
Except he won’t.
News Headline: “Man on probation for donkey molesting arrested on new charges.”
Amazing what he was arrested for this time.
All right, all right.
All he did was steal some batteries.
Police said.
From Poor QT’s Almanack:
On this day–no, let’s see, yesterday–143 years ago Hiram R. Revels of Mississippi was elected the first black senator in U.S. history, although some tried to stop this, arguing that it was required he be a citizen for nine years, and the 14th Amendment, which made him a citizen, had been ratified only two years earlier, as if we needed a reminder that every age has its Tea Party.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
S.L., a Chicago reader, writes:
“How many people do you think know the meaning of the word ‘penultimate’?”
QT tested a sample survey on this, which means it asked around.
The final, or ultimate, person it asked knew the definition.
The person before that, the penultimate, didn’t.
The person before that, the antepenultimate, did.
The person before that, the preantepenultimate, didn’t.
QT will have to stop its survey there.
Unless someone knows what comes before “preantepenultimate.”
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Posted on January 21, 2013