Another Beachwood Special Report
The World’s Largest Starbucks is set to open Friday in the former Crate & Barrel building on North Michigan Avenue. While media outlet after media outlet is offering their PR-friendly early looks inside the five-story coffee mansion, we have the real scoop on what you can expect to find when you roll into the rotund roastery.
* The Madigan Grande: Comes with a job at ComEd but you have to walk a precinct every two years.
* Because Joe Berrios is an investor, those buying coffee on the top floor will pay less than those on the bottom floor.
* We’d especially like welcome Chicago’s criminal defense bar!
* The Chicago Pour Over: Once a month you can pour coffee over Rahm Emanuel for charity.
* The Chicago Handshake: a PBR, a shot of Malort, a Venti Giardnera and an envelope filled with unmarked bills.
* To honor the building’s legacy, coffee-filled crates and barrels to go.
* As a sovereign nation, only starbucks will be accepted for payment.
* Each floor serves a different CPS tier.
* The third floor is a TIF district. All taxes collected there go into a slush fund for Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson (it’s not that other guy anymore), who can spend it any way he likes as long as it’s spent on the third floor. He is, however, allowed to port the money to adjacent floors. This arrangement lasts for 23 years.
* The world’s largest collection of Hootie & the Blowfish backstock.
* CDB-infused Kenny G.
* Latte, latte, no cheeps.
* A separate floor for the homeless.
* The Starbucks rewards card for this location will also be really big.
* In fact, everything will be bigger.
* In-house marijuana dispensary will be rolling really big spliffs to help you come down from the new Gigante.
* Will serve as the new polling station for the neighborhood. Customers restricted to one vote per floor.
* The Garrett’s popcorn roast.
* Mrs. Garrett’s popcorn roast.
* The Blagojeccino.
* Featuring the world’s largest collection of smug baristas under one roof.
* The largest collection of blue shirts and tan pants under one roof.
* Animatronic display or first two customers?
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Comments welcome.
Posted on November 13, 2019