By Steve Rhodes
These just in.
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“Obama Win Triggers Run on Guns.”
Alternate: “McCain Win Triggers Run on Guns.”
Alternate: “McCain Win Triggers Run on Abortions.”
Alternate: “Palin Win Triggers Run On Banks.”
Alternate: “Biden Win Triggers Run-On Sentences.”
Contributing: Tim Willette
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“The McCormick Tribune Ice Rink opening has been delayed one week.”
Tribune waiting for check to clear from this week’s advertisement so it can afford to buy ice.
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“As part of a promotion, Burger King will be leaving 5,000 wallets around the city, containing gift cards and cash.”
This would work better if:
* The wallets included condoms.
* The wallets included gift cards for McDonald’s.
* The U.S. Treasury left wallets around the city.
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“Experts see rise in rates of people with paranoia.”
People see rise in rates of paranoid experts.
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“Some analysts still suggest he might consider appointing one of his potential rivals to remove them from a governor’s race – for example, Lisa Madigan, the state attorney general and daughter of Michael J. Madigan, the longtime speaker of the State House; or Dan Hynes, the state comptroller and son of Thomas Hynes, another powerful Illinois Democrat.”
I’ve never understood this line of reasoning. I mean, you’re allowed to say “No,” right?
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“We seem to get through these [recessions]. It’s not always easy, but we hunker down until we’ve put it behind us.”
We? Does that include the 40 million people living in poverty in America including one in five children in Chicago?
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From Beachwood reader Dianne Robertson:
“Wrigley made the biggest mistake to lots of old customers when they change the packaging, flavor and price of their new flavor of Doublemint Gum. Please bring back the old 5 sticks in the old flavor.”
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“Elephants have a tendency to sleep four hours, then they wake up,” Ald. Willie Cochran said Wednesday, arguing against an elephant cruelty ordinance. “Professional trainers need that chain on those elephants at nighttime to keep them from disturbing other elephants. That way, all the elephants will get the appropriate amount of rest and they’ll be able to train and perform properly.
“If you allow an elephant to roam freely at night and wake up all the other elephants, they don’t listen as well . . . If they’re not listening as well, they don’t perform as well. If they don’t perform as well, then there could be an incident that may involve the public . . . If something happens at Ringling Brothers, we’ll find ourselves in a lawsuit.”
Ald. Mary Ann Smith “called Cochran’s sleep deprivation argument ‘bogus’ and hinted that it might have something to do with ‘lobbying money’ from the circus industry.”
Let’s give Cochran the benefit of the doubt and believe that he just happened to have taken notes from his own research on Ringling Bros. stationery.
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“Would-be clowns bid for circus gig.”
Cochran says job would complement council duties; Berny Stone already hired.
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Normally I wouldn’t take this as evidence of anything but the immaturity of children, but I saw the same behavior in adults this year.
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“Some hipsters, but not many, have started to make inroads this far west. At the end of Bellow’s old block, on the corner of Cortez and Western, is a bar called the Empty Bottle where the new and old communities have made a tentative accommodation: it has an old-time, corner-tavern feeling (which in this area still tends to mean Polish), it serves a largely Latino community and in the evenings it features an eclectic array of experimental jazz and rock bands, along with some of the best D.J.’s in the city.”
Apparently this is the first time the writer made “inroads” so far west since 1990 – and never actually went into the bar.
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“It was among the juicier post-election recriminations: Fox News Channel quoted an unnamed McCain campaign figure as saying that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa was a continent.
“Who would say such a thing? On Monday the answer popped up on a blog and popped out of the mouth of David Shuster, an MSNBC anchor. ‘Turns out it was Martin Eisenstadt, a McCain policy adviser, who has come forward today to identify himself as the source of the leaks,’ Mr. Shuster said.
“Trouble is, Martin Eisenstadt doesn’t exist. His blog does, but it’s a put-on. The think tank where he is a senior fellow – the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy – is just a Web site. The TV clips of him on YouTube are fakes.”
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“In fact, Dems and libs have paid the real price for this cohort’s inanity. In the long run, it would be smart for Dems and libs to take these tools away. For that reason, we’re disappointed when we see triumphant liberals run to the culture of snark and smirk. Your ‘leaders’ are having a good time today. But this culture will turn back against them.”
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“Meanwhile, there’s an intriguing wrinkle in the race for Mr. Emanuel’s seat: talk that he really only wants to serve as chief of staff for two years, and wants a mere seat-warmer who would give the job back when Rahm so requests.”
Why not dispense with the charade and let Rahm hold both jobs – plus take over Obama’s Senate seat. After all, Chicago’s in the House.
Um, and that’s supposed to be a good thing?
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The Beachwood Tip Line: On the street.
Posted on November 13, 2008