By Jonathan Shipley
If I don’t like a book by its 50th page I usually give up on it. But, sometimes, I stick with it because others have stuck with it (friends, family, my former professor who smelled of cheese), because the book is supposed to be good, and/or because I want to look intelligent on the bus as I return home from work. “Look at me,” I say silently to other bus riders, “I have a thick tome upon my lap and I’m looking at it thoughtfully. Yes, it’s crap, but you won’t know that until you read it and by then I’ll be long gone off this public tube of judgement.”
Allow me to introduce you, then, in reverse order, to the 10 books I have, to date, most hated reading.
10. Moby Dick/Herman Melville.
Yeah, I want to read about the whaling industry and other boring stuff for hundreds of pages with nary an interesting plot moving forward. Yes, tangents. That’s what a great novel needs! Long-winded coma-inducing tangents!
9. Poland/James Michener.
Perhaps you can distill the story a little bit, Michener. Do we really need to span eight centuries in your novel? Do I really need to spend eight years reading your novel about 6.2 million Polish characters I have a hard time keeping track of? Thankfully, no. No one can force me to.
8. Finnegan’s Wake/James Joyce.
“for which thetheatron is a lemoranage; at milch-goat fairmesse.”
7. Little Women/Louisa May Alcott.
Maybe it’s because I’m not a little woman but, uh, I hated it.
6. Anthem/Ayn Rand.
Not as good as the Rush song. Plus, I was involved in a low-budget film based on this book and I didn’t get very many lines and I hated waiting around for everyone else to speak theirs.
5.The Hobbit/J.R.R. Tolkien.
Bilbo Baggins finds himself caught in a plot to raid the treasure horde of Smaug the Magnificent. Smaug Baug, this book left me in a faug of profound ennui.
4. Curious George Rides a Bike/H.A. Rey.
I like monkeys! So does my kid. But when she’s in her PJ’s and ready for bed, I don’t want to have to read a stem-winder about George’s adventures. How many plot lines can you shove in a picture book? Cut it out, Rey. My kid wants to snooze – and so do I.
3. Out of Africa/Isak Dinesen.
Borrrring.
2. Prey/Michael Crichton.
I used to love Crichton. I read all his books in college. Have I become more discerning in my novel reading or has Crichton gotten so lazy that he simply pushes a couple buttons on his laptop and a plot springs forth using cardboard characters, terrible dialogue, and science babble stolen from a Microsoft user’s guide? Time to reboot, Crichton.
1. The Giving Tree/Shel Silverstein.
Everything that is wrong with us as a people is encapsulated in this abomination. I loathe this book for its horrifying message of taking and taking and taking without so much as a care for others, or even a freakin’ thank you. Well, thank you, Mr. Silverstein, you’ve written the book I hate most.
Posted on September 21, 2006