Beachwood Fan Fiction!
E L James of Fifty Shades fame was in town this week and that got us to thinking: What if James had been from Chicago?
For the uninitiated, this comment on Amazon is just about all you need to know about James’s hackneyed literary style.
UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says “Jeez” 81 times and “oh my” 72 times. She “blushes” or “flushes” 125 times, including 13 that are “scarlet,” 6 that are “crimson,” and one that is “stars and stripes red.” (I can’t even imagine.) Ana “peeks up” at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian’s “hooded eyes” and 7 to his “long index finger.” Characters “murmur” a whopping 199 times (doesn’t anyone just talk?), “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times, and “smirk” 34 times. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.”
Now adapt along with us, in Twitter-size bites.
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She peeked up at him over by dere. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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His long index finger claimed dibs. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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His clout entered me. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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His pinstripe patronage was just dirty enough to thrill me. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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I wasn’t ready for his reform. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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I didn’t want nobody nobody sent. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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He was totally up for re-election. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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I shivered when he knocked me off the ballot. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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I wanted him to dominate me. I wanted a boss. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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He challenged my petitions. I wanted him to. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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His was strictly transactional: What was in it for him? #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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He never forgot a favor. Especially one he was owed. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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We never said it out loud. It was just understood. #FiftyShadesOfGreyChicago
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Comments welcome.
Posted on May 11, 2012