By Natasha Julius
Lest you should feel offended by any portion of the following report, we’d like to point out that the entire premise is incorrect.
Market Update
Despite assurances that the hemorrhaging has been stopped, global markets remained deeply skeptical that the damage won’t continue to worsen. So in other words, duh.
Second City Second Season
As the Blackhawks prepare to face the San Jose Sharks in the NHL Western Conference Finals, the two cities’ mayors have prepared the traditional series wager. While San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed has adopted a kill-’em-with-kindness strategy involving waffles, wines and assorted confections, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley has apparently opted for the much more direct kill-’em-with-a-massive-fucking-coronary tactic.
Shrugging off the Big Shoulders
Mayor Daley also announced this week that he will donate the spoils of his second-round wager win over Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson to Greater Chicago Food Depository. After all, those British Columbian delicacies are bound to taste a little bitter under the circumstances.
Tit for Tat
Not wanting to miss out on the playoff fun, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn and his California counterpart Arnold Schwarzenegger have agreed a wager of their own. The deal sees Schwarzenegger staking his state’s miserable unemployment rate against Quinn’s crippling budget deficit in a bet neither side seems capable of actually winning.
The Glass Cellar
Finally this week, feminist activists have expressed outrage that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has yet to be subpoenaed by lawyers representing Rod Blagojevich. After all, only when women can be sucked to the depths of political depravity can we truly call ourselves equals.
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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Depraved.
Posted on May 15, 2010