By Natasha Julius
Oh, what the hell? We’ll go ahead and run for governor too. Just as soon as we finish filing this report.
Market Update
The Dow, NASDAQ and S&P all finished another strong week, surging to new 2010 highs. And yet, despite this apparent wealth, none of the exchanges will owe a cent of taxes this year.
Rod of Love
The world of celebrity reality television was thrown into chaos this week as veteran camera whore Bret Michaels was hospitalized with a severe headache and apparent brain hemorrhage. Witnesses say the issues began shortly after Michaels received his subpoena to testify at the trial of Rod Blagojevich. “It’s like his mind just exploded,” a source close to the rocker was quoted as saying.
Sign of the Tim
Despite all of the skepticism and brouhaha over attempts to compel prominent Democrats to testify, the Blagojevich defense team did catch one break this week: there’s no way their tactics will look more misguided than this.
Going to Extremes
After learning of Thursday night’s draft chaos, Blagojevich defense attorneys were said to be mulling a subpoena of Denver head coach Josh McDaniels. Analysts said the move might sway the potential jurors most likely to believe in a vast left-wing government conspiracy, among whom McDaniels just might have a higher approval rating than the president.
Fantasy Napoleonic League
While much of the nation’s attention is focused on our home-grown little big man, there have been interesting developments elsewhere in the overcompensation league. Outside contender Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has joined forces with last season’s rookie sensation Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Together, the two form a coalition that some analysts say is already scarier – and slightly taller – than reigning champion Kim Jong-il of North Korea. For our money, though, we’re keeping an eye on the dark miniature pony
Rock and Roland
Finally, outgoing Illinois junior senator Roland Burris was left to rue what might have been this week. “If only I’d been a bit more patient,” the senator mused, “I wouldn’t have had to buy my seat; I could’ve just waited for a hostile takeover and then assumed its assets.”
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From The Beachwood AP Weekend Video Desk:
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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Something to believe in.
Posted on April 24, 2010