Editor’s Note: The rest of the Beachwood will return on Tuesday.
By Natasha Julius
So we took a couple of weeks off. So what? It’s not like we missed the death of liberalism or anything.
Market Update
Despite recent reports indicating an end to the recession, many analysts still feel the worst is yet to come. While a stronger than expected performance in the manufacturing sector gave a glimmer of hope, key indicators such as protracted celebrity burials are still way down compared to years past.
Locked and Front-Loaded
Chicago officials have announced that their plan to front-load the city’s shooting schedule has worked perfectly. “With any luck,” one administrator said, “we should have all that violent data off the books by, say, October 2.”
Purity of Essence
Conservatives this week prepared an aggressive response to President Obama’s campaign of socialist terror. Florida GOP chairman Jim Greer emphatically stated, “We can longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids” Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty voiced his concern also, adding, “Do you realize there are studies underway to socialize salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, and ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake. Children’s ice cream.”
Breaking News
Meanwhile, lost in the furor over proposed health care legislation, comes the shocking news that the president apparently lives in a talking house. Holy shit!
Island Heat
Finally, it has been an active week for the celebrity dictatorship known as Rajoelina. After Rachael Ray solidified their coup win, acting chief justice Joe Jonas began to weigh the troika’s options. And while analysts question the group’s long-term viability, acting press officer Angelina Jolie insists things are still looking really good.
Posted on September 5, 2009