By Natasha Julius
We here at the Weekend Desk feel that the process of writing our reports has become fundamentally unfair. There’s never enough time to prepare before some public figure does something incredibly stupid and makes us look incompetent for writing jokes that were funny five minutes earlier. Therefore, until the weasels of the world begin to behave in a predictably satire-worthy fashion we have no choice but to resign effective immediately.
Market Update
Turns out most of the Weekend Desk 401k was invested in Shameless Grandstanding and Deflection, both of which have recorded miserable first-quarter earnings in the face of strong competition from Tightening Noose and perennial blue-chip earner Guilt by Association. So, uh, looks like we’ll be back at work after all.
Presidential Haze
The most exclusive fraternity on campus this week was buzzing as incoming pledge Barack Obama declared his chief Hell Week antagonist a “good guy.” Here’s the thing, Barack: You got in. You don’t have to pretend you’re cool with him psyching you out, forging bad checks in your name, or bullying the neighbors anymore. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be against hazing?
Thanks for Nothing
Observers of the incoming president note his favorable attitude toward his predecessor may be a sign of gratitude. After all, President Bush did fix the Middle East, just like he promised.
Acid Tab
Finally this week, Chicago has ranked third in a survey of most-caffeinated American cities. This news comes on the heels of a report indicating that over-consumption of coffee may cause hallucinations. Observers say this may explain why otherwise sane and cogent people may begin seeing two completely different versions of the same old rag.
Posted on January 17, 2009