By Natasha Julius
It may be closing time for some, but here at the Weekend Desk we’re just getting started.
Market Update
Officials with John McCain’s presidential campaign note the nation’s mortgage crisis has reached such desperate levels their candidate no longer can remember how many of his homes are in foreclosure. Not to be outdone, the Obama campaign has announced his shady real estate holdings now stay on the market at least twice as long as they did this time last year.
Change You Can Believe In
Seeking to strengthen his image as a Washington outsider, Barack Obama has selected for his running mate an equally radical party misfit who isn’t afraid to talk tough to paper over his previous lapses in judgment. “And most importantly,” Obama enthused, “Joe Biden is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy I mean, that’s a storybook, man”.
Change You Saw Coming
The CTA has announced that, due to budget shortfalls, next year’s Doomsday shenanigans will be canceled and, instead, costs will be passed directly to consumers. In related news, retiring senate president Emil Jones has announced his son will inherit the elder Jones’ free ride card, in addition, of course, to the free ride he’s already been given.
Seeing Red
The United States’ claim to be the world’s sole superpower took a hit this week as mounting evidence suggests China is not only richer and more populous but also younger and more innovative. Analysts suggest China’s dominance of the most precious natural resources could soon lead to even greater conflict between the two nations.
Ominous Change
Finally this week, international observers have noted that despite encouraging signs regarding nuclear development, Paris Hilton continues to forge ties with known terrorist entities. State Department sources consider her activities to be much more threatening than either Lindsay Lohan’s “canoodling” or Britney Spear’s “aggressive posturing.”
Posted on August 23, 2008