By Natasha Julius
Remember that one weekend when it was sunny and warm? Yeah, that was awesome.
Market Update
The cost of rice continued to rise this week. Analysts were quick to point out, however, that it’s still a bargain compared to the cost of bush or dick.
Green Jacket Quest
It’s Masters weekend again, and time for the Beachwood Reporter’s annual review of the World Leaderboard. Scores are expected to plummet to new lows as the front runners pull out all the stops. However, our money’s on Taiwan to take the coveted green jacket for its unbelievable naivete.
Directly Behind
One of life’s great mysteries is soon to be solved as CTA riders will now know exactly what it means to have a train “following directly behind.” CTA President Ron Huberman says a new train tracking system will be installed “sometime directly after we fix the slow zones.”
Blue Line
Huberman further stated that train trackers on the beleaguered O’Hare branch will simply say, “fuck it.”
Ask a Stupid Question . . .
The answer is no.
The Awful Drewth
Finally this week, we’d like to congratulate uberhusband Larry King for finally finding a serial groom creepier than he is.
Posted on April 12, 2008