By Natasha Julius
Nothing’s quiet on the Western Front, but don’t worry. We’re keeping a watchful eye out for you.
Market Update
Relief this week, as the nation’s economic doctors have diagnosed merely “a rough patch” ahead for the markets. You know, a case of fiscal sniffles. Nothing serious.
Growing Pains
President Bush this week castigated Congress for behaving like “<ahref=http: abcnews.go.com=”” politics=”” story?id=”3859386&page=1″ target=”_blank”>a teenager with a credit card” by proposing a budget that fails to act like a teenager with a large standing army. In related news, Iran wants the cool kids to stop spreading dirty rumors about it.
Greenbacks and Yellow Bellies
The clear winner in this week’s Sad Irony Sweepstakes is Green Car Journal, who have seen fit to reward the Chevy Tahoe Hybrid for getting the same shitty fuel economy as current passenger cars. Which will really help that whole end-of-the-world thing.
Death Be Not Hurried
In a widely expected move this week, the United States Supreme Court stayed the execution of a Florida man as it continues to consider the constitutionality of death by lethal injection. Apparently, however, hanging is still cool as long as everyone’s on board.
Enhanced Performance Capture
Meanwhile, it seems the feds are riding high after securing an indictment against shamed slugger Barry Bonds. In fact, sources now tell us that after this weekend’s action, the government will try to take down Ray Winstone. Winstone’s agent apparently still isn’t talking.
Parting Shots
Finally, Metra this week announced a 10% fare hike for 2008, saying future increases will be needed unless the state legislature approves funding for “a thorough Winstoning” of regional transit. And while Mayor Daley says he sympathizes with CTA union leaders, it won’t stop his plans to “Beowulf the shit” out of the city’s library system. And you don’t even want to know what Rod wants to give the Full Ray treatment.</ahref=http:>
Posted on November 17, 2007