By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Commodity Prices Changing Life As We Know It
Start with ethanol. Developed to make our cars more fuel-efficient, our foreign oil dependence more remote, and our farmers more money, this theoretical savior as of just two years ago is now being blamed for putting a greater pinch on the consumer wallet by thinning corn reserves.
In a time when even a technological advancement like E85 can go from beneficial to questionable to ironic, it seems like every move we make is a no-win situation. The solution, says Steve Shenk, director of eFoods Direct, is to take matters into our own hands.
An expert in the food business for 27 years, Shenk offers your listeners a unique perspective on how to look ahead by looking back, with a return to the self-reliance practices of generations past.
“While some might make cynical jokes about a horse-and-buggy society in response to our negative economic trend,” says Shenk, “there is some merit in examining that lifestyle, just from the standpoint that we can all benefit by relying less on the government and doing more to prepare ourselves for tougher times ahead.”

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Posted on June 30, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Actually, I don’t much mind the idea of a bistro specializing in canine cuisine. Picture Lady and the Tramp sharing a strand of spaghetti to the strains of “Bella Notte,” the dogs’ owners pressing their wet little noses against the window, the waiter proffering a gnarled suede bedroom slipper as an amuse bouche. Nope, what bugs me is naming the joint Doggie Style.
2. How do you find Barack Obama in a crowded room? Hint: He’s the one standing in front of the blue pseudo-presidential seal. Or at least he was for all of one day when said seal was deep-sixed due to embarrassing reviews. Now Illinois’ favorite front-runner will have to look presidential without any aid from the prop department. Fortunately, that’s not very hard, considering how much Bush has done to lower the bar.
3. My phallic skyscraper is better than yours! It was just a matter of time until Chicago’s screw-shaped Spire was one-upped by an architect with an even bigger Edifice Complex than Santiago Calatrava. Italian architect David Fisher recently unveiled plans for a tower that’s in perpetual motion. The good news is that it affords a 360-degree view. The bad news is it will cost you up to $100,000 per degree.

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Posted on June 27, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Planned Parenthood plans on going Upscale
Like any business, Planned Parenthood is trying to respond to the market. People in more affluent communities struggle with unwanted pregnancies as much as anyone. But according to critics of the non-profit’s new chain of more upscale, urban health centers across the country, the organization’s “market response” is just that – marketing – and not in line with its benevolent mission statement.

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Posted on June 26, 2008

By Dan Simon

Over the past few weeks, I have become more and more interested in Japanese baseball. Partly, my interest stems from an inability to watch the Cubs play live. The other part of me needs to have some baseball to pass the summer months.
And let’s face it, at some point it’s about sitting around drinking beer and watching the grass grow for three hours on a hot day. However, it is important that this is done in the appropriate environment.
Lucky for me, there is a bounty of baseball on the Japanese islands. In the Tokyo area there are three teams, the Yakult Swallows, the Yomiuri Giants, and the Yokohama Baystars. So I was faced with a choice . . .but which one to pick?
I knew that I wanted a team that was like the Cubs, but not so much like them that they were a poor man’s version. They had to be like the Cubs I grew up with, the teams that I grew to love. I needed a few good players, one Ryne Sandberg for say every 25 Tyler Houstons. And they had to stink. How else could I grow to love them? After all, half the fun of watching the old Cubs was debating which inning they would begin their customary meltdown.

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Posted on June 24, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Rescinding a woman’s invitation to sit behind Obama during a unity speech after learning she is wearing hijab. (Just think if McCain did that!)
Committed By: An unnamed and possibly unemployed cog in the Obama machine
2. Covering the death of Tim Russert for seven straight days.
Committed By: Howard Kurtz, Wolf Blitzer and everyone else in the Washington press corps.

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Posted on June 20, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Custodial Department Another Line of Homeland Defense
Somewhere beyond anthrax, cyanide and the dirty bomb lies a more obscure threat to America. Just ask the victims of an industrial accident this past week at an otherwise innocuous chocolate factory in Chicago.
When a custodial worker unintentionally mixed one cleaning agent in with another, the resulting chemical reaction was a lethal fume that killed one and sent two others to the hospital.
Terrorism is not suspected in the incident, but the misfortune brings to light an intriguing topic that can impact any one or all of your listeners. According to John Walker, president of ManageMen, a cleaning industry education firm, “many corporations overlook two very important dynamics in their custodial training programs: —worker safety and physical security.”

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Posted on June 18, 2008

By Dan Simon

Living in Japan is a bit of an adjustment, especially for a baseball fan. When I moved here, I knew ahead of time that baseball was the unofficial official national sport. What I was unprepared for, however, was the intense loyalty of Japanese fandom to their star players.
If you have never been to Tokyo, a good way to picture it is to imagine being inside a giant pinball machine constantly playing the theme song from Super Mario Brothers 3. Trains, crowds, blinking lights, everyone chattering in a language you can’t understand; it’s a lot to absorb.
Knowing this, a friend mercifully took me out for dinner and drinks to ease the strain.
We went to a Japanese izakaya, which is a traditional Japanese drinking establishment marked by a red lantern next to the door. Although it was smoky and noisy, I felt relaxed.
We were unwinding over a plate of fried fish fins and tall Sapporos, when we were approached by a wobbly elderly gentleman.
The man, woozy from sake, pointed to my Cubby hat and said, “Cubs desu ne? (the Cubs eh?)”
Surprised, I replied in broken Japanese, “Hai, Cubs desu. Ichiban cremu desu (Yes, the Cubs. They are the number one team)” then, “Fukudome!”

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Posted on June 16, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Reconciling with the ex-husband who beat you and exposed you to Hepatitis C: Pamela Anderson, noted Sunday School teacher and poker hustler.
2. Writing a memo urging impeachment proceedings against Gov. Rod Blagojevich while instructing recipients to lie about receiving the memo: Speaker of the House Michael Madigan.

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Posted on June 14, 2008

By The Beachwood Bait Station Affairs Desk

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Newsandexperts.com
Glendora, CA – Drywood termite swarming season is about to begin and homeowners everywhere are preparing to open their wallets to protect their houses from structural damage.
“I have seen termite swarm eruptions in grocery store parking lots, the middle of a huge lawn and of course in nearly 18,000 homes,” says Michael Allen, owner of Century Termite Control and author of the new book Top Secrets of the Termite Industry; What Termite Companies Don’t Want You to Know, That You Should Know.
The cost of tenting an American home to get rid of termites ranges from $1,300 to over $3,000 depending on the size of the home and the pest control company you choose. Allen says if homeowners know what signs to look for they shouldn’t have to pay a penny to professionals.
“These chemical companies are multi-million dollar machines. They push their products to pest control companies which are supposed to push it to homeowners. The price keeps going up and there is just no reason for it. Termite companies aren’t helping homeowners do anything they can’t do by themselves.”
On his website, www.centurytermitesolutions.com, Allen has a list of the top 10 things you need to know about protecting your home from termites. Here are four of them:

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Posted on June 13, 2008

By The Beachwood Loves To Fly And It Shows Affairs Desk

United Airlines recently failed in its third merger attempt this year. Our consultants at Beachwood Labs have determined that the airlines business is so screwed-up that the last thing any airline should do is double-down on a losing hand. Instead, United should think more creatively. Our computers spit out the following merger partners the airline should explore.
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ESPN: Pilots shout “boo-yeah!” after sticking landings; witty banter includes gems like “Call 911! Our left engine is el fuego!”
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Wal-Mart: Part-time greeters without health insurance replace flight attendants.
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The Obama campaign: I mean, duh.
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Oprah: Wider seats, better food, departing gifts.
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The Cook County Democratic Party: Planes would never leave the gate but the payroll would grow exponentially. And the new jobs would be really easy; you wouldn’t even have to show up.

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Posted on June 11, 2008