By Eric Emery

After the Bears’ 34-10 drubbing at the hands of Dallas, the Kool-Aid Nation centered their thoughts around one mantra: “It could be worse.” Well, technically, only two things are worse than their current record: 0-3 and 0-2-1. I’m not one to piss on the Kool-Aid Nation’s parade, though. Rather, allow me to help list the things that are non-technically worse than a 1-2 record.
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After a night of drinking, you crash your car. Thankfully, the cops seem to forget to ask you why you left the accident scene.
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You ask your spouse for “tickets for the big game;” you get home opener tickets for the Blackhawks.
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You get to speak to a packed house at an Ivy League school. Unfortunately, your name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Posted on September 28, 2007

By Don Jacobson

Although you never, ever want to see anyone’s demise as a blessing, it’s hard for a true hockey fan such as myself to not be somewhat encouraged about the chances for a Chicago renaissance for the beloved game now that longtime Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz has passed on. If his survivors do the right thing and sell the franchise to someone who knows how to market the game – like Chicago Wolves owner Don Levin – there could finally be something approaching a fitting presence for puck-heads in one of the pro game’s storied American cradles.
Not to speak ill of the dead, but the backwardness of Wirtz and the Hawks organization knew no bounds. As a Minnesotan coming to Chicago in the ’90s, I had no idea how bad it really was. Of course I realized that the Blackhawks had seen better days, but when I volunteered to cover their games as a sportswriter for United Press International in 1994, I quickly discovered something: The team, from the front office to the coaches on down to the locker room attendants, was comprised of surly pricks whose idea of press relations was to snarl one-syllable answers to pretty much any kind of question. And if that’s how they treated the press, imagine how they felt about their dwindling base of poor, long-suffering fans.

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Eric Emery

Last season, the most frequent caller in the Chicago sports radio world was The Angry Caller. Or, more to the point, The Angry At Rex Grossman Caller. This season it’s already clear that, even with the benching of Sexy Rexy this week, Bears fans realize that the team’s problems run deeper than just the quarterback position. Now we have a bevy of Confused Callers. Let’s take a look.
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Caller: “If only X would have happened, the Bears would have won . . . ”
For Example: “If Hester would have got the corner” . . . “If Berrian didn’t drop that pass” . . . “If Robbie Gould would have run in for a TD on that ridiculous fake FG attempt . . . ”
Guess What? If my Aunt had nuts, she would be my Uncle.
Should You Listen To This Caller? No. It’s like listening to lunatics explaining that if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq, we’ll have to fight them right here. Well Guess What?

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern

The last two months we’ve been answering some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we’ve gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.
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“T” writes: My neighbor is one of those cynical Cubs fans. He thinks they are going to blow it again this year. Please reassure him and tell him that we have nothing to worry about it.
R&D: Don’t worry. Being a Cub means achieving the impossible. After all, Cubs great Hack Wilson became an alcoholic during Prohibition.
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“B” writes: Why does everyone consider the Cubs a pathetic franchise? Shouldn’t they get credit for being in the World Series 10 times (1906, 1907, 1908, 1910, 1918, 1929, 1932, 1935, 1938, 1945)?
R&D: So true. Although, let’s be honest, they only won two of those ten Series’. And . . . two more of them were during war years (1918, 1945). In 1918, the season ended on September 1st, which means the Cubs didn’t get a chance to blow it in their most unsuccessful month. In 1945, the only guys playing in MLB were the guys who couldn’t serve in the military – and the military was taking almost everyone. Also, in two other World Series appearances the Cubs were swept in four games (1932 and 1938) by the Yankees. But your point is well taken. Ten times in 39 years is pretty impressive. If only the world had ended in 1945.

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Posted on September 26, 2007

What a week! In the immortal words of Flounder from Animal House, “Isn’t this great?” Indeed, this is a Cub fan’s dream isn’t it? Sure, the real dream is to win the World Series but you have to be soaking this up. Memorable last two weeks of the season don’t happen much around here, so let’s take in all this race has to offer.
That said, this run isn’t for the faint of heart. Oh no, this is life/death, they suck/they’re great, I love them/I hate them baseball on most every pitch. With this in mind, we here at The Cub Factor would like to offer some “things to do” to help cope with the potentially gut-wrenching final weeks. Sure they’re sitting pretty right now, but do you think it’s going to be smooth sailing the rest of the way? Have you not learned anything in your lifetime? These are the Cubs. The lovable – and not so much – losers, remember? So here are a few coping aids to keep you this side of sane.
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Start smoking. The Cubs’ inevitable defeat is probably going to kill you anyway.
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Date someone horribly wrong for you. All the brutal relationship issues will take your mind off the Cubs.
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Become a White Sox fan. Good seats still available for the final homestand.

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Posted on September 24, 2007

By Eric Emery

Clearly, Devin Hester is ridiculous. Of course, we only see His ridiculousness on Sunday. What about the rest of the week? Let’s say that Hester works in mysterious ways.
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Sunday: Hester creates light. Hester divides light from darkness. Hester scores.
Monday: On Sunday, Hester was good. So on Monday, Hester rests.
Tuesday: Hester divides the water from above from the water below. The water from above is called Heaven. This is where Hester builds his many mansions. The water from below is called Hell. This is where Michael Vick lives.

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Posted on September 21, 2007

By Eric Emery

O.J. Simpson may be back in the news, but we think his hijinks will be trumped by the adventures of a few current players this season.
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Ray Lewis: Follows O.J.’s example with a book called Fuck Yeah, I Stabbed the Shit Out of That Guy.
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Peyton Manning: Releases a “Best Of . . . ” DVD of his best commercials.
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Eli Manning: Releases a “Worst Of . . . ” DVD of Peyton’s worst commercials.

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Posted on September 20, 2007

In which we track the travails and triumphs of the area’s myriad minor league baseball teams. But mostly the travails. Season highlights updated as events warrant.
In this edition: Two of our mascots are celebrating championships this week. Two others are already booking events for December. The 2007 wrap-up.

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Posted on September 19, 2007

By Marty Gangler

Last week we likened the 2007 Cubs to the remake of the horror classic Halloween, but this week we think we’ve been thinking about the rollercoaster they’re going to build at Great America in Gurnee called The 2007 Cubs. Featuring:
The Soriano Slinger: Your car immediately climbs the most expensive section of track to its highest point and then sends you careening toward Earth, which is a thrill but seems a bit early for such dramatics. Park engineers are still debating whether to move this segment to the middle of the ride.
Ryan’s Runway: This is the old-fashioned part of the track that scrapes and scratches its way into position for the big arcs and loops that follow. Traditionally, this would be the start of the ride.
The Derrek Loop-Lee-Loop: This part of the ride is really well-oiled but only has enough power to barely get the cars through the loop.

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Posted on September 17, 2007

By Eric Emery

In roughly a month, Drew Carey debuts as the new host of The Price is Right. Carey is famously a Browns fan. If he was a Bears fan, he might make these slight adjustments to TPiR’s games.
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Now . . . and Then: Compare key rushing statistics and determine if the Bears top back is Cedric Benson (now) or Thomas Jones (then).
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East of Edens: Estimate the blood-alcohol level, speed of car, or number of lies told by Tank Johnson without going over.
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Lucky 7: Make contestants determine whether the figure behind the screen is the Adrian Peterson who had more than seven yards per touch or the Adrian Peterson who had a seven-carry, one-fumble performance.

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Posted on September 14, 2007