By Eric Emery

The moment we’ve been waiting for is at hand. The question on everyone’s mind will finally be answered: Will the Bears soil themselves at home again and be one-and-done, or will they progress by waiting to soil themselves next week?
I refuse to force my Christian tradition upon you, so I refuse to ask the question “What Would Jesus Do?” Then again, if we ask “What Would Ditka Do?”, Ditka might shine His light upon thee and grant you peace. Let’s face it, He is the last person that got you to the Promised Land. So . . . What Would Ditka Do?
Manage Grossman. As a quarterback, it’s important to get the ball in the hands of your playmakers. For the Bears to win, Grossman needs to hand off the ball three times, let Brad Maynard punt, and thus get the ball into the hands of the Bears’ playmakers – Devin Hester and the defense.
Tank Perry. Give Tank Johnson the ball on the goal line and tell him to run as if the cops are after him.

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

Never has one round of wild card football produced so much hysteria as last weekend’s slate of games did. Here are the statements issued this week by players and teams throughout the league.
Office of Dallas Cowboys Inc.: “We categorically deny that we are trying to kill Bill Parcells rather than have to fire him. Conspiracy theories involving Tony Romo are nothing more than Internet twaddle.”
Tony Romo: “I couldn’t be more excited about my trade to the Mavericks, especially since the league went back to their old leather balls. Easy to handle, and no T.O. in the huddle.”
Terrell Owens: “I have 18 dropped passes, er, reasons to fire my publicist.”

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Posted on January 10, 2007

By Eric Emery

These days, if you capture any part of the American sporting consciousness, you must give an award. Why? Because you want to feel more important than you actually are. For instance, did John Madden’s “All Madden” awards really change the lives of the awarded? Imagine seeing the player’s live-in girlfriend field the call from John Madden himself, then putting her hand over the phone and saying “Honey, you know that really old, bloated, stuttering guy from Ace Hardware? Well, he wants to give you an award.”
So, in other words, these awards mean nothing. If nothing else, the salutations I award below give players and coaches what they deserve – a swift kick in the ass for wasting our time and attention. So without further ado, I present: The Toolies.
The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Nick Saban. Nick sounded so sincere when he said “I’m not coaching Alabama.” What we all missed was him muttering under his breath, “Unless they offer me $32 million and a new car. Then I’ll even memorize the words to their state song.”
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Dennis Green. After blowing a 17-point lead to the Bears, Green ranted, “They were who we thought they were!” Yes, and you were who we thought you were too: a nutcase masquerading as an NFL coach. Dennis Green, we hereby crown your ass.

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Posted on January 4, 2007

By Eric Emery

A friend who is now sporting a blue-and-orange Kool-Aid mustache recently told me, “This is the wrong year to be a Bears hater.”
Really?
This begs the question: Why should somebody like the Bears?
This year is only one year in a stored tradition of stinking. There are plenty of reasons to hate the Bears – even this year.
Messes of the Midway. In the last 40 years, the Bears are 298-310-2. They have just 14 winning seasons, reached the playoffs just 12 times, and compiled a 7-11 playoff record. They have one Super Bowl victory. That’s just one more than the Cardinals have over the same stretch of time. In other words, Ditka 1, Dennis Green 0.
Ditka. Without Ditka. the Bears are 192-248 over the last 40 years. Only a team as historically mediocre as the Bears could make Mike Ditka a legend.
The Fridge. In the last 40 years, the Bears fielded four undisputed outstanding players: Gale Sayers, Dick Butkus, Walter Payton, and Mike Singletary. William Perry has one more Super Bowl TD than all of them.

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Posted on January 4, 2007