By David Rutter

1. Blago’s temptation, WTF?
From: The Law Firm of Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Beelzebub, LLC
To: Legal Representatives of Rod Blagojevich
Re: Inappropriate reference to CEO
Dear Sirs:
We note with alarm and dismay that your client has invoked the name of our client, God (a legally incorporated trademark), without permission and implied our client has involvement and/or interest in the outcome of your client’s recent legal difficulties. Our client has expressed that, WTF, why is He being dragged into this mess?

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Posted on July 30, 2010

By Jerome Haller

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite when I stand at my post and watch for shoplifters. I once stole candy from a store.
The incident took place while I attended elementary school. On a June afternoon, my sister and I walked to a Jewel to buy candy. I was 10 years old, and she was eight. We planned to share treats during the end-of-the-school-year parties organized by our respective classes.
Once inside the store, we split up. I saw an open bag of Hershey’s Kisses, looked around, and grabbed a couple. I stuffed the goodies in my mouth and put the wrappers in my pocket. Then I walked about 10 feet down the aisle to avoid getting caught in front of the bag.
About five minutes later, my sister stood to my left. Her closed mouth moved rapidly. I noticed a telltale wrapper next to her feet. Then I saw a frowning female cashier behind us. The cashier dragged us up metal stairs to the top floor.

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Posted on July 28, 2010

By Jerome Haller

Early on a recent Sunday morning, a short, bald man limped into the store. He hovered near the front. Shortly afterward, a taller man walked in and headed toward the back. While I chatted with an assistant manager, the two men left the store together.
The assistant looked at me and said the first man served as a lookout. “They stole something,” he said.
The idea that these two losers had punked me made me boil. When I started the job, the Head Guard had told me not to take theft personally. But I can’t help it. When it happens, I feel personally violated.
In short, I wanted these guys. Game on.

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Posted on July 27, 2010

By Jerome Haller

While spending an off day at home, I tried to unwind by watching a foreign film. The movie, Gigante, entertained me. Yet, I could not relax. The plot made me tense because it reminded me about an insidious aspect of my job.
A 2009 movie from Uruguay, Gigante presents a story about the extremes of voyeurism.
The main character, Jara, is a single, overweight security guard in his mid-thirties. The lonely bachelor watches the cleaning crew, cooks and stock boys through a monitor during the third shift at a supermarket.
Jara focuses on Julia as she mops. He’s smitten, but shyness prevents him from talking to her. Instead, Jara acts in a creepy manner. He gets Julia’s name by sneaking a peak at her employment file. He follows her to an exercise studio, a movie theater and an internet cafe. He stalks Julia while she meets a man for dinner, and later chats with him to get information about her. When the store lays Julia off, Jara punches a manager before tracking her down at the beach. The movie ends as they talk.

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Posted on July 26, 2010

Poems by J.J. Tindall
Selected from The Beachwood Reporter
*
You have before you the greatest collection of American poetry published in the new millennium. By a Chicago author. For a Chicago website. If you like that sort of thing.
But then, maybe, truly, it is the best-in-class. After all, who else can claim Ode to a Hoover Bagless Cyclonic Action Quik-Broom with On-Board Tools (“Quiet machine, soft machine, I machine”) in the same breath as Five Boys On a Golf Course (“We who remained drove a van to Arlington, VA, for the military funeral, smoking joints and telling stories. The Navy bore pall for us all.”)?

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Posted on July 26, 2010

By David Rutter

1. Blago, WTF?
The WTF team of experts, consultants and sump pump installers wants just one last thing from former Guv Blago. Please, for crying out loud, SHUT THE F UP! This trial is like the punch line to the old joke: “No, you dummy. You were supposed to ride the camel to town!”

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Posted on July 23, 2010

By The Beachwood Not Oprah’s Boyfriend Affairs Desk

Well, he actually only did 18 before giving up.
1. Here is a nice review of one of my talks http://bit.ly/3sNaE2 12:17 PM Oct 9th, 2009 via web
2. Congrats to Obama! 12:15 PM Oct 9th, 2009 via web
3. Congrats to Obama! 12:15 PM Oct 9th, 2009 via web
4. Happy memorial day all!! 5:23 PM May 25th, 2009 via Twitter for iPhone
5. @Oprah remember when you accidentally deleted your speech on your Blackberry? Someone wrote about it. http://bit.ly/2eiers 8:14 PM May 15th, 2009 via web

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Posted on July 19, 2010

By David Rutter

1. Todd Stroger, WTF?
What’s Chicago payoff politics coming to when embattled Cook County board chief Todd Stroger can’t even hire relatives of his embattled staff for fake jobs?
(All job titles under the purview of Stroger are now preceded by the standard rank of “embattled.”)
Todd was trying to unload $10 million in Homeland Security cash before the bell tolls and he is sent into the darkness. But the county jobs watchdog caught him.
One of the embattled recipients of Stroger’s largesse, Colin Longworth, didn’t even know what job he had “applied” for. He just applied – on the advice of a mysterious phone call he received from “somebody named Barry.”
Longworth is a former employee at CGC Communications, the public relations firm owned by Carla Oglesby, Stroger’s embattled deputy chief of staff.
Or at least we think he was a former employee. Longworth told the Sun-Times he wasn’t sure he actually ever worked for CGC.
As a representative of Chicago’s citizens, WTF demands more competence in our crooks.

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Posted on July 16, 2010

From The Beachwood Tweet Deck

Her last transmissions before the trial started.
One in a series.
1. I am so thankful for friends that are willing to spend an entire day sitting with me on a hard bench in a freezing room. 6:29 PM Jun 15th via web
2. Wondering why the mini cams still find it necessary to be outside our house. 8:43 AM Jun 15th via Twitter for BlackBerry
3. So glad we don’t have to be back in court until Mon. Time to relax with the girls. 5:27 PM Jun 10th via web
4. Getting to graduation with not a moment to spare. Just relieved to get here at all. 6:24 PM Jun 8th via Twitter for BlackBerry
5. Wondering if I have time to get to macy’s to get the lip gloss Amy wants for her graduation night. 12:58 PM Jun 7th via Twitter for BlackBerry

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Posted on July 12, 2010

By David Rutter

1. Sun-Times WTF?!, WTF?
In the interest of clarity, full disclosure and good hygiene, the Beachwood Reporter’s “WTF” wishes to lay out the differences between us and the Sun-Times version of WTF.
First, the Sun-Times is obviously more chic.
Their definition:
The week in WTF?! By which we mean, of course, “Wow, that’s fascinating!” Because during the last few days – Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – what tom-foolery has taken place out on the Interwebs. Here’s a look at the things that have caused us to say, “Whee! That’s funny!
They link to many web videos they didn’t actually create except by linking to them. Also, they use the words “tomfoolery” and “wow” without any self-conscious embarrassment. Also “whee!” which we believe is a sound effect more than a real word.

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Posted on July 9, 2010