By George Ofman
Jay Cutler swallowed blood. And you want his offensive coordinator to swallow some hemlock.
Watching the Bears is very tough for anyone to swallow, particularly, the brain trust whose brains can’t be trusted.

PLUS: Dr. Dude’s College Football Report

Jerry Angelo pulled off one of the most important transactions in Chicago Sports History by obtaining Cutler but soon, there will be three letters after his the quarterback’s name: R.I.P.
The man is a cinch for concussion. Cutler was pounded to the ground so often he saw more turf than fertilizer.
Fertilizer, stench, and the Bears; it’s very hard to separate with a blender.
Angelo, Lovie and Turner: it’s very hard to blend a winning team with.
Therein lays the problem.

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Posted on November 3, 2009

By Mike Luce
Week Nine: the Nerfing of America continues.
Nearly every year since 1933, the Florida-Georgia game has been played in Jacksonville, FL. Along with the epic tailgating along the nearby St. Johns River, the party continues during the game. Rather than drink from the usual smuggled flasks present at most games, fans can buy drinks in the stadium due to a loophole in NCAA regulations that prevent the sale of alcohol in college venues but don’t prevent on-premise sales for games held in pro stadiums. All this boozing earned the game the well-earned nickname of “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”
The No-Fun Committee decided during the off-season, however, that the nickname condoned excessive drinking, irresponsible behavior, and other shenanigans. So the student government associations for Florida and Georgia got together, supported by an anonymous donor (although his initials were rumored to be N.C.A.A.), found a 1,000-year-old cypress tree on the state border, and carved it into a 12-foot trophy. As the inaugural winner, Florida will take home and proudly display the “Okefenokee Oar.” That’s right, one of the oldest traditions in the SEC can now be described as “The Battle for the Big Freaking Paddle.” Good times.

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Posted on November 3, 2009

By Jim Coffman
Will the fact that Jay Cutler occasionally causes opponents to absolutely lose their minds – cue the tape of Cleveland Brown defensive coordinator Rob Ryan screaming “Fuck you! Fuck you!” at the quarterback on Sunday, help him win a championship? Because that’s all that matters – we really don’t care if he is a delightful chap to have around, we just care if he puts up victories. Cutler is who he is and he may change a little as he goes along, but he won’t undergo any sort of startling transformation.
Cutler plays the part of the infuriating adolescent so well it sometimes drives foes to absolute distraction (he must have been a joy to parent during that last stage when kids are still communicating regularly with mom and dad but the tone is changing and they revel in things like catching them in contradictions). And we all know guys who never really got out of that stage, they just transferred their scorn from parents to peers. Last season saw opposing quarterback Phil Rivers (San Diego) professing his hatred for his rival and other opposing players have labeled him a punk in comments scrubbed clean for public consumption. And of course there was Bobby Wade yammering about Brian Urlacher thinking Cutler was “a pussy” early on during training camp. Urlacher denied it (after all, Cutler was his teammate now).

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Posted on November 2, 2009