By George Ofman
Terrell Owens and Milton Bradley: Separated by birth?
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Rumors are usually exciting, intriguing, exhilarating and even . . . true! But the one having the Bears interested in perhaps obtaining the team wrecker from the Buffalo Bills was slightly intriguing, mostly stupid and not happening. Can we invent something more sensible such as “The Bears are trying to coax Jerry Rice out of retirement?” That ought to do it.
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I don’t want to see Rush Limbaugh get an NFL franchise. And I’m relieved someone in the fractured group trying to buy the Rams had the sense to drop him. Of course, they were total nitwits to consider him in the first place.
Did you really think NFL owners would have approved one of the most dangerous men in America if it ever got to that? Please! This was all about Limbaugh fueling his publicity machine. Unfortunately, it worked.
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Rush Limbaugh and Milton Bradley: Twin sons of different mothers?

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Posted on October 16, 2009

By Eric Emery
Last Sunday, I traveled to Detroit to watch my beloved Steelers battle the Lions. My friend Al was along for the ride as well. As the best man for my wedding, Al, a practicing Jew, did not know what to do with the wafer given to him by the priest. So he did the religiously respectful thing: he put it in the pocket of his rented tux. On tape. To the horror of my very Italian mother-in-law.
Even though nobody really wins when they go to Detroit, having Al along was sure to make the best of a bad situation. A travelogue:
* Good idea, travel to see your team. Bad idea: Have a spell of insomnia; take Benadryl partly to rid myself of the itchy results of a food allergy and partly to be sleepy. At 2:30 a.m.
* I hate the fact it’s 5:20 a.m., I’m driving to Detroit, I’m groggy from the Benadryl, and I’m probably going to make the news on WBBM for the traffic delay on the Tri-State at 6 a.m. At least I’m not itchy.
* I make it to Homewood to pick up Al. He’s driving, I’m sleeping.
* Al announces that we’re through Indiana. It’s only good news if you’re traveling west. We are traveling northeast.
* Neither Al nor I are economists, but based on our knowledge of Michigan and the highway advertisements, we’ve determined that Michigan’s two biggest industries are automobile manufacturing and “spas.” Our favorite: Tokyo Health Spa. It’s open until 2 a.m.

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Posted on October 15, 2009

By Dan O’Shea
The story of Week 5 in the NFL had a lot to do with the Austins – Miles Austin and Austin Collie. Two wide receivers who were on no one’s draft list entering the season, and probably were not even on anyone’s watch lists until Week 4, probably will be the two biggest pick-ups going into Week 6.

Today’s Ofman: Chelios Not Done

Miles Austin had a stunning 250 yards receiving and two touchdowns for the Dallas Cowboys in an overtime victory against the Kansas City Chiefs, and Indianapolis rookie Austin Collie reeled in 97 yards worth Peyton Manning passes for two TDs.
Most people are liking Miles as the better of the two unknowns, though his QB Tony Romo is still looking a bit off this year. Meanwhile, Manning is having a Manning-like year for the Colts and with Marvin Harrison gone has really found a balance among several receivers, Collie included. I like Collie to have better games week-to-week in the long run.
The Austins kick off our Fantasy Fix Action Ratings for this week:

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Posted on October 14, 2009

By George Ofman
Chris Chelios is so old he walked into an antique store . . . and they kept him.
Chris Chelios is so old he has hieroglyphics on his driver’s license.
Chris Chelios is so old he fixed up Adam and Eve.
Okay, enough of the schtick. You get the picture.
Chelios isn’t really that old. But being a professional hockey player at age 47 is old. It’s actually downright ancient. “I’ve always said that when I am done playing will be when I have nothing left,” he once said. Apparently Chelios’s mind and body are still on the same page. It’s the same page the Gettysburg Address was written on.
Hey-o!
I thought we were done with the stand-up portion of this column.

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Posted on October 14, 2009

By Mike Luce
The recap will be slimmed down this week due to my father’s visit. (We’ll be covering only the Top 10 this week, but expect a full recap again next week.) Yes, the esteemed Dr. Ed has graced us with his presence once again. In honor of Dr. Ed, I would like to share his top football-related pet peeves.
1. Anyone who kicks the ball.
If the rules of football allow you to legally make contact with the ball with your feet, Dr. Ed despises you. I hope you know it’s not personal. The man feels as though your role on the team is so minor, and your duties so uncomplicated, that anything short of perfect execution will not be tolerated. You can take some small comfort from the fact that he at least distinguishes between punters and placekickers.

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Posted on October 13, 2009

By Jim Coffman
Perhaps Joel Quenneville breathed at least a small sigh of relief late Saturday. When Andrew Ladd finally ended a seemingly endless shootout in the ninth round and gave the Blackhawks a home-opener victory over the Avalanche, Ladd ensured his team would not fall to 1-2-1 on the season. That, you may recall, was the Blackhawks’ record when they up and fired coach Denis Savard last year and turned to Quenneville to try and end a playoff drought that had reached “only one post-season series in a decade” proportions.

Ofman: Orton’s Oracles

Of course, Quenneville probably would have survived even if the Hawks had suffered a setback on Saturday. Advancing to the conference finals will do that for a coach in the NHL. But it won’t do it for long. Hockey teams have notoriously short fuses with their coaches. And while a fan can make a strong case for coaching consistency giving an organization its best chance to excel over the long haul, it is harder to do so in hockey than in any other prominent team sport in the U.S.

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Posted on October 12, 2009

By George Ofman
“You win because of the quarterback.”
Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo uttered those prophetic words at the beginning of the year.
And now the Denver Broncos are saying the same thing.
Captain Neck Beard is 1,000 miles away and he’s still winning games. Not bad for guy tagged as a game manager.
Orton also manages to win games.

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Posted on October 12, 2009

By Thomas Chambers

I was quite happy when the Breeders’ Cup decided to use the individually colored saddle cloths this year, even though the decision should have come in 1985, the “championship” event’s second year. It seems like a small thing, but it makes it a lot easier to see your horse on the tee-and-vee.

Kool-Aid Report: How the Bears spent their bye week

The old purple cloths were quite regal/snooty, but watching a race was kind of like a big graphic blocking the entire line of Tiger’s putt and you don’t know what happened until he either pumps his fist or mouths the F-word.
But I’m not sure new saddle cloths are going to provide enough sheer joy to get me excited about this year’s two-day bet fest, set for November 6-7 at the Oak Tree Meet at Santa Anita. At least not as much excitement as I’ve had in past years.

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Posted on October 9, 2009

By Eric Emery
Vacations rule. This week, the Bears took a much deserved break from taking names and kicking ass. Did they take it easy? Of course not, we’re from the city that works. The Bears spent their time doing the following during their bye week:
* Shipped Chicago 2016 Summer Olympic t-shirts to Guatemala.
* Created potholes to give the Streets and Sanitation crews something to do.
* Washed their jerseys clean of their opponent’s tears.
* Visited a child with cancer. Scared cancer out of child.
* Changed El system to have two lines: Blue and Orange.

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Posted on October 9, 2009

By George Ofman
Three cheers for our town. Make that four. The Sporting News’s annual list of the best sports cities in America ranks Chicago/Evanston as fourth. Yes, Evanston. Northwestern counts.
Pittsburgh is first, what with the Steelers and Penguins winning titles and Pitts’ success in the NCAA tournament. But the fact the Pirates were under .500 for the 17th-straight season should have penalized the Steel City.

PLUS: Over/Under: Pass the crack pipe The College Football Report: Free Blount

Philadelphia was second because the Phillies won the Series but come on, Philly’s fans are so brutal the city should never be in the top five. Boston was third. This is hard to argue, thanks to very strong showings by the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins and Celtics.
We had no trophy winners in 2008. But I guess the Cubs, Sox, Hawks and Bulls making the playoffs and the Bears just missing qualify for fourth. Just imagine where we’ll finish next year. Factor in the Sox and Cubs flops plus the Olympic fiasco and that should drop us out of the top ten.

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Posted on October 8, 2009