By The Beachwood Vs. Affairs Desk
Compare and contrast.
Dog: A bounty hunter.
Kat: Tattoos fugitives.
*
Dog: Long, unkept hair that makes him look like a joke.
Kat: Long, unkempt hair that makes her look hot.
Posted on September 29, 2009
The Better Wife
By The Ridley Scott Affairs Desk
The Good Wife – starring Julianna Margulies as the wife of a Cook County State’s Attorney (Chris Noth) sent to jail in a sex and corruption scandal – finally premiered last week and we’re here to tell you, it hardly matches up with real politics around here. Here are some plot lines sure to develop.
Here are some plot lines you might see if this was reality TV instead of inferior fiction.
* Noth’s character gets his own show on WLS-AM while his appeal is pending. Spinoff!
* Margulies’ character loses her job at a homeless agency and is forced to eat bugs on Svengoolie for meal money.
* The Cook County Democratic Central Committee installs Bill Beavers as Noth’s replacement. Spinoff!
Posted on September 28, 2009
What I Watched Last Night: Virgin Sex
By Scott Buckner
For us menfolk, the 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. network TV time slot is a torturous purgatory filled with little more than TV judges, people cooking things, and talk shows. This window of time was made even more torturous on Wednesday by the airing of the 1973 Robbie Benson/Glynnis O’Connor film Jeremy on ThisTV, one of WCIU’s digital children whose library seems to be comprised largely of movies from the 1970s that nobody in their right mind would have paid good money to see even back then, when theater tickets didn’t even cost five bucks.
On the other hand, if it weren’t for ThisTV, I’d have no idea that distinguished French actor Thierry Lhermitte even existed.
For those of you who weren’t teenagers in 1973 – or for those of you who were and would like to forget the whole experience – Jeremy ranks right up there with Ice Castles as a movie capable of giving you contact diabetes, or at the very least making the fillings in your teeth hurt.
That’s because they starred the incredibly scrawny and incredibly sensitive and emotional young actor Robby Benson, a kid who could make Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” sound like a James Taylor song. But America fell in love with doe-eyed sensitivity during the 1970s, so naturally, boatloads of tweenie girls fell in love with Robby Benson. He made several movies before dropping off the celebrity radar a few years later when everyone decided the kids in Fast Times at Ridgemont High were obviously more interesting and fun. (He – well, his voice, anyway – had a brief resurgence of sorts in Walt Disney’s 1991 animated film Beauty and the Beast.)
My problem back then with Robby Benson – and on Wednesday with Jeremy – was that it always took me half the movie to figure out that he wasn’t somewhat mentally retarded, or playing someone who was.
Posted on September 18, 2009
Reality TV Revelations
By The Beachwood Reality TV Affairs Desk
Recent unsurprising news that Jon and Kate Gosselin had long lived apart and came together only to stage episodes of their terminally boring TV show is nothing compared to the revelations that will rock the reality TV world this coming season.
Little People, Big World: It turns out that Matt and Amy Roloff aren’t really dwarves. If you remove the camera filters, they look like this.
Posted on September 14, 2009
What I Watched Last Night
By Scott Buckner
Okay, you know you’ve been unemployed far too long when Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, AND Cheaters start repeating themselves for, like, the 290th time since the end of April. That’s when you know it’s time to switch gears to something else, like whatever else revolves around the dial during and after the Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe segment of Today.
Look – I’m pretty old, so I can say without much damage to my local reputation that Kathy Lee Gifford is pretty fucking hot and well worth watching, especially since she got a new hairstyle. But still, I’m young enough – and maybe haven’t had my nesting instincts divorce-lawyered out of me yet – to appreciate WTTW’s presentation of the subtle charms of Katie Brown and her workshop, the forgotten-chick member of ABBA cooking lutefisk and whatnot on the banks of Lake Ikea, or the fuzzy-headed landscape painter dude who never noticed that 1977 and the tour bus carrying his trumpet and the Average White Band took off without him.
Which brings me to Thursday’s presentation of The Martha Stewart Show.
Posted on September 11, 2009