By The Beachwood Best Life Affairs Desk

As part of his worldwide media blitz, Gov. Rod Blagojevich said on Monday that he considered naming Oprah to Barack Obama’s vacant U.S. Senate seat. Imagine that.
* Free gifts under senator’s seats every day.
* Introduces legislation calling on all Americans to live their best life.
* New economic package calls for thinking stimulating but non-sexual thoughts.
* Senate anteroom adorned with ancient Chinese scents and clay wind chimes.

Read More

Posted on January 27, 2009

By Michelle Renee Perkins

We face neither East nor West; we face Forward
– Kwame Nkrumah

Read More

Posted on January 24, 2009

By Scott Buckner

Yesterday we revealed reasons why Patti Blago was fired from her job. Today, what she’ll do with all that extra free time.
* Stand outside the WGN radio booth and try to make whoever is on the air laugh.
* Wake up the homeless guys sleeping at library desks and tell them they’ll have to leave unless they join her book group.
* Pretend she works at Wal-Mart and misdirect shoppers when they ask where something is.
* Prepare husband’s legal appeal.
* Walk around the Loop putting slugs in panhandlers’ cups.

Read More

Posted on January 23, 2009

By The Beachwood Blago Bureau

The Chicago Christian Industrial League fired Patti Blagojevich this week from her $100,000-a-year job there as a fundraiser. The CCIL wouldn’t say why they fired Patti B., but the Beachwood Blago Bureau has learned that her supervisors and co-workers simply could not tolerate the following behavior:
* Kept making real coffee in the decaf container.
* Stole black running suit from the used clothing bin.
* Insisted she paid entry fee for office bowling team but league says they never received it.
* Tried to name homeless man named Chuck the director of the state highway department.

Read More

Posted on January 22, 2009

By The Beachwood Ball Affairs Desk

You may have heard about the myriad inauguration balls taking place in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday night, such as the A Time For Hope Inaugural Jazz Gala, the All American Ball, the Arizona Presidential Inaugural Ball, the Biden Home States Inaugural Ball, and the Servant Forge Humanitarian Ball. But there were plenty of balls that escaped media notice that we’d like to bring to your attention.
The Lower Wacker Homeless Ball: Attendees will dance furiously to keep from freezing.
The Huffington Post Ball: Revellers provide all decorations, refreshments, and entertainment in exchange for the chance to be seen at the ball.
The Illinois Governors’ Ball: Held simultaneously in a Terre Haute, Indiana, cell block and a Ravenswood den. Whoever writes the best appeal gets a slim chance at freedom.

Read More

Posted on January 21, 2009

By David Rutter

During the course of any event as momentous as the impeachment and let’s-toss-him-over-the-side heave-ho of Rod Blagojevich, you are bound to hear things never before uttered.
So when Blago’s legal team bolted for freedom on Friday, they managed to deposit a unique closing argument.
In a statement to the Trib, attorney Sam Adam and his son, Samuel E. Adam, (Is this like a George Foreman law firm where everybody is named Samuel Adam?) said they couldn’t in good conscience represent the governor in a Senate trial “without any due process of law, fundamental fairness or the most basic right to confront one’s accusers.”
I hope they got paid before leaving.

Read More

Posted on January 17, 2009

By The Illinois Campaign For Political Reform

A majority of Illinoisans (58%) believe Governor Rod Blagojevich’s alleged corrupt behavior is common among public officials in Illinois, and an even larger percentage believes a series of reforms, including limits on campaign contributions, would make a difference and lead to better government. The findings are contained in a new statewide poll released Thursday by the Illinois Campaign for Political Reform (ICPR) and are available at www.ilcampaign.org.
About three-quarters of Illinois residents say an overhaul of Illinois’ weak system of campaign regulation would help make state government work better. According to the survey, 78% of residents say a ban on campaign contributions by corporations will make a difference, and 76% say a similar ban on labor union contributions would make a difference.

Read More

Posted on January 15, 2009

By The Committee to Protect Journalists

Presidential Transition Team
Washington, D.C. 20270
January 12, 2009
Dear President-elect Obama:
I am writing as chairman of the Committee to Protect Journalists to seek your leadership in reaffirming America’s role as a staunch defender of press freedom throughout the world. Journalists in many countries who risk their lives and liberty upholding the values of free expression look to the United States for support.
To assert moral authority we must first put our own house in order. I urge you to make it a priority to end the U.S. military’s practice of open-ended detention of journalists and media support workers, and to investigate fully the deaths of journalists from U.S. forces’ fire.

Read More

Posted on January 14, 2009

By David Rutter

The likely ascendancy of Roland Burris to the Senate seat once held by people who had earned it is being blamed mostly on Rod Blagojevich’s stupendous cupidity.
Makes sense.
In this scenario, Blago is the unrelenting villain, while Burris plays the more-or-less semi-sentient but honest bystander. He’s playing Ethel Mertz to Blago’s Lucy.
When the people of Illinois eventually get to hear the unfiltered voice of the governor on wiretaps, they will make whatever decision they wish on his role in the current messification.
But why does Burris get a free pass, even if his worst crime is being a political cuckold? Has he no dignity?
And why do the black officeholders of Illinois, not to mention the nation, not see Blago’s clever manipulation as a newfangled version of Reconstruction carpetbaggery?
The same process that will allow Burris to take his job tainted the first two black senators in U.S. history.

Read More

Posted on January 7, 2009