By The Beachwood Surveillance Affairs Desk

I received letters from two of my credit cards recently saying “We noticed you were having trouble using an ATM recently. Here’s your PIN number.”
Indeed, I tried to withdraw cash with those cards and couldn’t because I had my PIN numbers wrong.
It reminded me of those OnStar commercials where they can unlock your car for you over the phone. Or how the cable company can turn your TV on and off from the central office.
So we here at Beachwood Labs got to thinking. Here are some other letters we expect to receive soon.
* Dear Customer: We noticed you were having a hard time pooping the other day. Here’s a coupon for our new and improved stool softener.
* Dear Registered Voter: We noticed you were arguing the merits of John Edwards versus Barack Obama with a friend the other day. Here’s some material about Obama we hope will change your mind.
* Dear Potbellied Drinker: We noticed you were drinking Miller High Life the other night. Did you know that Bud Light offers the same great taste at half the calories?

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Posted on November 30, 2007

Dear Hyde Park Co-Op:

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night. Good-bye, good-bye, good-by-y-y-y-y-ye!
You, too, should take some inspiration from the Von Trapp children, and leave good-naturedly in a burst of song when it is so clearly your bedtime. Co-Op, it is time for the big sleep.
As you know, Co-Op members are now voting on whether to shut you down. From the recent press coverage, many Chicagoans think you are a beloved 75-year-old neighborhood grocery store and institution beset by villainous creditors and its landlord, the nefarious University of Chicago.

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Posted on November 28, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

The Heart Is A Lonely Fucker
Like a Prairie Falcon landing on my breast,
the God inside me clenches, and your face comes
to me.
You have landed, again a waking dream. As in a dream,
setting constantly transmogrifies, details, red-tails fly
at whim.

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Posted on November 24, 2007

By The Beachwood Black Friday Affairs Desk

Give, take, get, go
BLACK FRIDAY
(Friday, November 23, 2007 – the day after Thanksgiving)
It’s our one-year anniversary!
Start: High Noon
End: Late That Night
Location:
Ausgang Studios
1958 W Walnut
(one block north of Lake Street, just east of Damen)
The Free Store is a completely free event. We have items ranging from clothing for all people to furniture to books to electronics. It’s a simple cycle:
You come to The Free Store. You take what you want or need. You leave!

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Posted on November 20, 2007

By The Beachwood Call Box Affairs Desk

The following press release announcing the advancement of 49er Communications in the Private & Public Golf Course, Country Club & Resort industry, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
GOLF INDUSTRY TEES OFF INTO TWO-WAY RADIO
Dateline: Grass Valley, CA
Name: Cristy Alexander
E-Mail: estimates@49er.cc
Web Address: www.golfindustryshow.com/
GRASS VALLEY, CA – 49er Communications supplies Private & Public Golf Courses, Country Clubs & Resorts with the tools to effectively communicate during daily operations, special events and emergency situations.
As outdoor temperatures begin to drop, and summer turns into fall, the Golf Industry begins the behind-the-scenes work to ensure a fun, convenient and safe experience for everyone involved in the coming season.

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Posted on November 19, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

While Sam Zell’s deal to buy Tribune Company still hangs in the balance, a profile of Zell in The New Yorker makes it clear that he’s not the kind of guy you’d like own your local newspaper. Let’s take a look at both that profile, Zell the Party Animal, and Zell the Evil Mobile Home Landlord.
*
Rough Rider
“When some of Zell’s friends heard about the deal, they were surprised that he wanted to enter the newspaper business – and at a moment when it is struggling to survive. One friend told me that he thought Zell may have been motivated, at least in part, by his love of Chicago, where he has lived all his life; a growing interest in cultural and civic affairs (his third wife, Helen, is the chairwoman of the board of trustees of the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago); and a realization that he has made more money than he can ever spend. Forbes recently named him the wealthiest person in Chicago, with an estimated net worth of six billion dollars.
“However, Maggie Wilderotter, who is the chairwoman and C.E.O. of Citizens Communications and has sat on the boards of three of Zell’s firms, said that she had spoken with him many times about Tribune Company before he made his bid, and that high-minded considerations played no part in his thinking. ‘An important part of the Tribune portfolio is TV stations,’ Wilderotter said. ‘He’s buying a media company that has assets other than newspapers.’
“[Ron] Burkle and [Eli] Broad told Tribune’s directors that they were eager to preserve the newspapers’ public-service role, which they believed was increasingly jeopardized by owners who were focussed solely on profitability. The media mogul David Geffen, who offered Tribune two billion dollars for the L.A. Times in 2006, made a similar argument. ‘But that’s not what drives Sam,’ Wilderotter said. ‘His thought process throughout this whole thing has always been about the business proposition. I never, ever heard Sam say, I’m doing this because I love the Chicago Tribune, or I’m committed to the city of Chicago. It would have been totally out of character.”
Or, one might say, it might display character.

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Posted on November 14, 2007

Dear Enabling Aldermen:

Kill two birds with one stone. Invite an exorcist to say the prayer opening your next meeting and then put him to work on Ald. George Cardenas (12th).
Cardenas lacked only a spinning head at the City Council budget showdown Tuesday, so clearly was he possessed by the spirit of the first Mayor Daley. And the first Mayor Daley was ready to hurl green vomit at aldermen who dared vote against the current Mayor Daley’s 2008 budget with its $83 million property tax increase.
“It’s easy to talk about! It’s easy to criticize!” Cardenas/Richard J. Daley sputtered, nearly levitating above his microphone.

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Posted on November 14, 2007

Dear Chicago City Council:

None of you wear ruby slippers. For the most part, it’s wingtips, tassled loafers and some tasteful heels – though I have often seen one of your female members wearing gym shoes with her business skirt and jacket on the council floor. Any of these will do. Now, click your heels together three times and say:
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
That’s right, you’ve always had the power to vote against his budget. It’s the law – you can look it up. You probably won’t believe me, though; you have to learn it for yourself. But I’m afraid you won’t figure it out in time for the budget showdown this week, so I’m going to lecture a bit anyway.

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Posted on November 12, 2007

By The Beachwood Suicide Affairs Desk

We all know about The Chicago Way, but the good folks at Beachwood Labs have determined that there is also a Chicago Way Out – surefire suicide methods unique to our fair city. To wit:
* Standing between Jim Belushi and the camera at any Chicago sporting event.
* Honking Joey “The Clown” Lombardo’s nose right after spraying selzer water on him.
* Geting in between the governor and his comb.

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Posted on November 9, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

The Conquest of Shit Creek
Black Hawk said “Fuck
This, I want
My land
Back.” Beaubien
Thought he’d
Pulled a fast
One, got the Heathens
Drunk, got ’em to sign away

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Posted on November 8, 2007