By The Beachwood Al Gore Affairs Desk

Al Gore appeared on Larry King Live last night to discuss his new book, The Assault on Reason, which in part decries the media’s focus on the “horse race” in politics and endless speculation over the strategic motivations of candidates instead of healthy debate of the issues. King and his viewers proceeded to pepper Gore with questions about the horse race and whether his book was a precursor to another presidential run instead of a discussion of the issues raised in it.
The Beachwood Al Gore Affairs Desk has obtained additional viewer e-mails that did not make it onto the air but reflect the tone of those that did.
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Dear Al,
What would be your favorite meal if you were running for president?
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Vice President Gore,
Who’s gonna win the World Series this year? Also, are you running for president?
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Al,
In the event you were to rule out running for president, what would it take for you to change your mind?

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Posted on May 23, 2007

By The Beachwood Olympic Affairs Desk

Chicago’s Olympic committee was recently sent back to the drawing board to come up with a new logo because the old one used a torch – a no-no according to International Olympic Committee rules. This got us to thinking: who will get to run the last leg with the torch and light the Olympic Flame?
A few suggestions.
1.Tony Rezko. It turns out, in a complicated deal, he owns the torch.
2. Rod Blagojevich. He’ll accept the job of Olympic mascot as community service in lieu of jail time. His highly flammable hair adds to the spectacle.
3. A bystander with a lighter after ComEd turns off the flame for non-payment.

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Posted on May 21, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 2

The Republican candidates for president met in South Carolina Tuesday night for their second debate, this one sponsored by Fox News. The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes was on-hand at Beachwood HQ to analyze the proceedings.
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The candidates were introduced with a graphic summary of vital statistics, including religion. Then to Brit Hume.
Hume: I’m Brit Hume . . .
Andrew: . . . and I’m an atheist.
Tim: Let’s make him a Druid.
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Tommy Thompson talks about being tough on criminals.
Andrew: I not only killed them, but made them into cheese!
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We were all expecting the body of Jerry Falwell to lie in state on the stage tonight. No such luck. Republicans have no sense of humor.

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Posted on May 16, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

The New York Times recently ran a Sunday magazine story about David Axelrod, the Chicago media manager for Richard M. Daley and Barack Obama, among others. Axelrod, who recently wrote a Tribune Op-Ed column defending patronage, is perhaps the chief man behind the Obama curtain. Let’s take a look.
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“When you finish watching the [announcement] video, you don’t have a particularly good sense of Obama as a politician (you might be able to say that he’s for change), but there is an intimacy – you have been drowned in his life, and you feel as if you know him,” author Ben Wallace-Wells writes.
“Axelrod says that the way to cut through all the noise is to see campaigns as an author might, to understand that you need not just ideas but also a credible and authentic character, a distinct politics rooted in personality.”
COMMENT: Cult of personality is the new politics? Maybe getting serious about politics should be the new politics.
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“When the first major profile of Axelrod appeared in Chicago magazine in 1987, three years after he left a high-profile job as the lead political reporter for the Chicago Tribune work as a political operative , the article (“Hatchet Man: The Rise of David Axelrod”) began by comparing him to an ‘exotic rodent.'”

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Posted on May 15, 2007

By Our Correspondent in the 42nd Ward

Managing new development may have been the key issue of the recent aldermanic elections, but residents of the 42nd Ward are wondering these days if their new alderman, Brendan Reilly, already touted in some quarters as the new Prince of Downtown, has gotten the message. He hasn’t even been inaugurated yet and he’s already sanctioned a controversial new development in the very style of his outgoing predecessor, Burt Natarus.

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Posted on May 7, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 1

Welcome to the second installment of our presidential debate series. Beachwood commentators on-hand: Steve Rhodes, Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette. Debaters on-hand: 10 Republicans filled with latent homosexuality gathered at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley. There were no black people in attendance.
Unlike the Democratic debate last week, I prepared the Beachwood HQ viewing room for this one by purchasing a box of Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Lickin’s – seeing as how they may not be available in Wicker Park much longer – and was seduced by the 2-for-$5 special on Walgreens premium ice cream. Once I figured out which of the Walgreens offerings were “premium,” I bought big round cartons of Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. We ended up ordering Chinese instead. Andrew brought the beer. I broke out my Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms coffee mug. Oh wait, Republicans hate the ATF. Or do they love it? I can’t keep track.

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Posted on May 4, 2007

By Someone Who Cares

* This missive came in over the transom from a faithful reader with good reason to remain anonymous, in response to yesterday’s Papers column item about the CTA.
So that’s the plan to save the CTA? Mystery shoppers harassing the agency’s customer service types? Making people prove to their loyalty to the new boss? And how is the media reporting – without questioning – that its wrong for the CTA board chairman’s position to be in danger, just because she can’t get along with the executive director? In a true director/board relationship, it’s the executive director who has to please the board president. But we know the score there . . .
I wish for the day we could get a true visionary as CTA executive director. Not a bean counter, or a loyalist, or a hatchet man. I am living in fantasyland, but how nice would it be if someone took the mic and said something like this:

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Posted on May 3, 2007

By Bethany Lankin

You gave my seat to your luggage.
Your children pulled my hair.
You tossed your umbrella into my lap.
It was wet but you didn’t care.
Your latte burnt my shoulder.
It spilled from your lid-less cup.
I give up.
I watched you as you clipped your nails.
Small crescent moons flew in the air.
Your keratin and dead skin cells –
they landed on my shirt and hair.
Then you screamed into your phone
about your date last night with Lou.
I hate you.

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Posted on May 2, 2007