Chicago - A message from the station manager

The Ford Tapes

By The Beachwood Dead Presidents Affairs Desk

Bob Woodward has released tapes of a 2004 interview with Gerald Ford in which the former president revealed that the invasion of Iraq was “a big mistake.” Ford gave Woodward the interview on the condition that his comments not become public until after his death. Here are less-publicized excerpts from the Ford interview.
– “I wanted to call it, ‘Beat Inflation into a Whimpering, Bloody Pulp and Roast Its Still-Beating Heart Over a Pile of Burning Horse Dung,’ but the ‘experts’ had a better idea.”
– “Estes Kefauver is a cocksucker, and you can quote me on that once I’m dead.”
– “So we were lounging around the White House pool one afternoon and he [Kennedy] asked us if we’d ever ‘taken a trip.’ I thought he was asking if we wanted to check out the yacht, you know [laughs]. But I’m glad I did it. Acid opened some important doors for me, awakened me to my creative self. [inaudible] Yeah, like the single-bullet thing, very psychedelic. Arlen was the real guru on that, dude walked around for a year with pupils the size of exit wounds.”

Read More

Posted on December 29, 2006

Brown vs. Ford

By The Beachwood Obit Affairs Desk

James Brown vs. Gerald Ford.
Brown: Sex Machine
Ford: Golf Machine
Brown: Feels good.
Ford: Feels wood.
Brown: Exorcised demons.
Ford: Pardoned a demon.

Read More

Posted on December 27, 2006

20 Carols

By The Beachwood Holiday Affairs Desk

1. “Little Drummer Boy”
Here comes the savior, Ba-rack-o-ba-ma
He’s our new favorite, Ba-rack-o-ba-ma
He transcends race, Ba-rack-o-ba-ma
His ears are too big for his face, Ba-rack-o-ba-ma

Read More

Posted on December 18, 2006

Hester vs. Hastert

By The Beachwood Runback Affairs Desk

Devin Hester vs. Dennis Hastert.
Hester – 50 yards in four seconds.
Hastert – 50 donuts in four seconds.
Hester – Comes from famously criminal program (Miami).
Hastert – Comes from famously criminal program (Congress).
Hester – Covers wide receivers.
Hastert – Would be a very wide receiver.
Hester – Isn’t good enough on defense.
Hastert – Isn’t good enough on defense.
Hester – Got rich playing a game.
Hastert – Got rich rigging the game.

Read More

Posted on December 13, 2006

Ways & Means: Denny, Johnny & The Beav

By Steve Rhodes

Just as you couldn’t count on the local press to adequately scrutinize Dennis Hastert when he was merely the frickin’ Speaker of the House and just a couple skipped heartbeats away from the presidency, the national press is still out front getting to the heart of the role of Hastert (and Illinois Rep. John Shimkus) in the Mark Foley congressional page scandal. The latest example comes from Vanity Fair, whose reporting reveals Hastert to be less than the lovable old wrestling coach the local media is in love with. But those who have been following Hastert’s career closely beyond the parochial press already know what a venal pol he is. Vanity Fair excerpts to follow.
And when it comes to Bill Beavers, well, nobody tells it like it is when it comes to Beavers than Beavers, as you will see in excerpts from his appearance last week on The Friday Night Show. Too bad the local press lost interest in Beavers – who in addition to his role as political fixer, opportunist, and first-rate hack is the city vice-chairman of the Cook County Democratic Party – before they even got started.
So let’s take a look at these stellar role models, and see what they’re teaching the kids.

Read More

Posted on December 11, 2006