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What I Watched Last Night

Dog the Bounty Hunter. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to it. Dog is the name of the man in the show. He has a wife and a brother and a couple of cousins or maybe they are his kids but nonetheless they all work together to catch crooks living in Hawaii. Yes, and they all wear black from head to toe and some of them wear tribal beads and necklaces. I'll get to the black thing in a sentence or two but the tribal headdress and necklaces must come first.

Tribal ornaments are usually meant for the members of a tribe and I find it dubious that this Dog character is a member of any tribe other than his family. Some families have crests and traditions and some even dress their kids to match the parents, but to each his own. Now, the black thing. Black must signify the stealth that Dog and his pack must have to maneuver the tough streets of Hawaii. And to intimidate the tough guys they come upon.

Think about it. If a man and his family broke down your door dressed in black outfits without sleeves holding handcuffs and yelling, you would be a little intimidated. I sure would be, however, if anyone broke down my door I would be a little stressed.

So, dressed in sleeveless outfits and talking into walky-talkies, they hunt down these violent offenders, excuse me parole violators charged with drug possession a month or so ago. Usually, these offenders are usually high on the same type of drug they were put on parole for and relatively sedated, therefore, easily apprehended. However, when the doors break down and the pepper spray is pointed at them and
handcuffs are put on the offender, it is really exciting. Justice is served. And yes, I did say pepper spray instead of guns a blazin'. See, in Hawaii it is illegal for a bounty hunter to have a gun. So, a word to a would-be probation-breaker in Hawaii: Carry a gun.

After all, ou have already broken the law once and now again with violating probation and you are probably high on meth. Why don't you just go for the whole lot and carry a gun? It would put a rise in Dog. That in itself is worth a long prison sentence.

See, when Dog gets all riled up he starts speaking of all the things that the offender has done wrong and how much pain the offender is causing all the people in his life. Then the waterworks kick in - no, not from the offender, but, rather, Dog. As Dog exhales the smoke out of the SUV he is riding in, wrap-around sunglasses not able to keep those welled-up tears from streaming down his weathered face and blond locks with nonsensical ornamental beads and braids fluttering in the wind, you realize that this show is completely awesome. Dog then breaks into Bible verse quoting things that are not even in the Bible. The harder he cries, the better it gets.

Here is a guy who has named himself Dog. He is emotional. He is deranged. He has a small slice of power. He makes up quotes from the Bible. And he is crazy. Giving a guy all of this ammunition and then expecting him not to put on a show is idiotic. Bible passage is a powerful thing; apparently it is even more powerful when you make it up yourself. So here we go, my fake Bible passage in honor of Dog:

"And on the eighth day He created a man with limited power and an inferiority complex. He gave this man a black sleeveless T-shirt and a tribal name. The name created on this eighth day was Dog, and Dog roamed the Earth curing the social ills that the police couldn't care less about, and he earned a dime doing it." - Dog 3:16




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Posted on November 15, 2006


MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
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BOOKS - All About Poop.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Don't Let Your Pet OD.


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