A Message
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Chicago - Sep. 19, 2020
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What I Watched Last Night

I don't have digital cable or satellite I just have regular cable television. I don't have the On Demand feature, no Tivo, no program guide. I once did, in college, and I loved my remote and my digie (digital cable). Now I have channels 1 through 99 and most of those channels are cable access. Someday I will have digital cable and that fantastic remote. Which brings me to the point of these last hundred words: My remote.

I can explain my remote in two words: Bush League. I have the basic channel and volume buttons and, the best button ever invented on a Bush League remote, the Last Channel button. I want the Favorite button and a Guide button. I want to hit Record on my remote and record television shows on my DVR. I want to strike the Guide button and surf the pages of television viewing instead of roaming aimlessly through the crap that is on all these channels.

Yes, surfing through crap manually actually comes up golden with programs on Animal Planet and HGTV and cable access channels, but there is something to be said about having all that to choose from on an interactive menu.

Currently, my Bush League remote is dying a slow death. My "9" button is on the verge of failure. I have to press it at least three times for it to remember its function. Other than the three strikes and I am in rule, I am asking for a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome if something doesn't change soon. Once the "9" button is gone, I would imagine that either the "6" or the "8" will go next.

Given their geographical locale on the remote, that is. Is this infection wearing upward or sideward? I
do not know where it is going, it could be a kind-of-all-over-thing and that would frighten me. What if this disease is contagious and my other remotes become infected with such a devastating virus?

If such a thing did occur, I would not be able to turn on the tunes on my computer in the morning. No more DVD control, no more stereo control. If I had radio-controlled cars and boats and such, those would also be useless! My goodness!

I could be onto something bigger than the spinach ordeal here. There is something I can do, but what?

The answer is simple: Get a new remote. Ha! That is not as easy as one would think. I have worn that Bush League remote into a family member. That remote has traveled with me all over the country. Like a family remembers the dead I will do the same with this remote and frame it. It will be displayed near the television so it still feels useful.

I can't just get a new remote. I have to choose a new remote, and I have had my eye on one for a while. It is the Comcast digital remote; you know, the gray-almost-silver one with the red button on top. It is a fine remote. It has outstanding button placement. There is no thumb strain associated with this particular model.

You may be asking yourself what is wrong with this guy who is evaluating remotes and why am I reading this? I can answer this pretty easily. I am unemployed in Chicago and I have a lot of time on my hands.

Whoa, I can't get ahead of myself here. If I get digie back in my life, where will the need for a job be? Out a sight, is where. After all this blather, I have realized that I love my Bush League remote and I will hold onto it until I get some gig that affords me the digie luxury.

Pat Bataillon is training for a career in professional TV watching.



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Posted on September 22, 2006


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