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Chicago - Mar. 19, 2022

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What I Watched Last Night

By Pat Bataillon

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It rained in Phoenix and it is flooding there! It never rains in Phoenix! Oh my God! The world is ending! Does this have something to do with global warming?!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
President Bush is in Kennebunkport on vacation! Does he approve of the FDA's decision to make the day-after pill available over the counter?! He does! Oh my God! The world is ending! Does this mean that the President has lost control of his appointees?! Will he golf with his father in Maine this weekend?!

!!!!!!!!!!TERROR LEVEL ELEVATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!TERROR LEVEL ELEVATED!!!!!!!!!!TERROR LEVEL ELEVATED!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JonBenet Ramsey's killer has landed in L.A. and is being flown to Colorado! He is planning on eating chicken on the flight! Oh my God! The world is ending! Does this mean that he is the reincarnation of Hitler?! Actually, he didn't do it! Oh my god! The world is ending!

The phrase "breaking news" should only be used in extreme circumstances. To the people of Phoenix, I am sorry, but your rainstorm is not breaking news. Phoenix would only be breaking news if it were over run by the Mexican military. The morning-after pill would only be breaking news if President Bush was in his office making a statement, instead of on vacation. And, finally, this whole Jon Benet Ramsey thing will never be breaking news. She's been dead for 10 years.

Have a great Friday. The terror level is still elevated (that means "yellow") so be careful today, like we are everyday now, living in a trembling society.

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Posted on August 25, 2006