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What I Watched Last Night

By Scott Buckner

Okay, you know you've been unemployed far too long when Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, AND Cheaters start repeating themselves for, like, the 290th time since the end of April. That's when you know it's time to switch gears to something else, like whatever else revolves around the dial during and after the Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe segment of Today.

Look - I'm pretty old, so I can say without much damage to my local reputation that Kathy Lee Gifford is pretty fucking hot and well worth watching, especially since she got a new hairstyle. But still, I'm young enough - and maybe haven't had my nesting instincts divorce-lawyered out of me yet - to appreciate WTTW's presentation of the subtle charms of Katie Brown and her workshop, the forgotten-chick member of ABBA cooking lutefisk and whatnot on the banks of Lake Ikea, or the fuzzy-headed landscape painter dude who never noticed that 1977 and the tour bus carrying his trumpet and the Average White Band took off without him.

Which brings me to Thursday's presentation of The Martha Stewart Show.

Look, I'm really not a hard member of society to entertain; I'm still engrossed by episodes of Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp floating around on YouTube. But c'mon: otherwise-awesome and serious American actor Ray Liotta making a pie?

I'm partial to cherry and apple with some French Silk thrown in, but wouldn't Ray's time be more constructively spent trying to see whether he can sell more blow than Johnny Depp or racing Nicholas Cage to The Freemason's national secret for getting Victoria Beckham to smile?

Christ, when a guy like Ray Liotta shows up on network TV making pies with Martha Stewart, it's time he started thinking about hanging out with Sean Penn just to take the edge off his day.

The pie did look really good, though.

Still, Martha spent an inordinate amount of time touring the Purina factory, where people who aren't otherwise-awesome actor Ray Liotta spend a good part of their time making kibble so Martha can showcase her two yappy-ass dogs.

I imagine Ray was back at the studio thinking, "Christ, I coulda spent that time making another goddamn pie!"

Instead, we got to hear about Martha "sharing my dedication to improving pets' lives worldwide."

Somehow I doubt Martha spends much time diving into the Ganges River rescuing cows.

The segment was capped by a Purina representative presenting Martha with a check for $10,000 for the pet charity of her choice. Ten thousand fucking dollars! For animals - and in this economy!

Excuse me, but hold a nail gun to the head of a beagle and I'll still look at you all goofy; can you imagine the constructive things ten grand could do for a human charity?

It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny. She's a funny guy.


Visit the What I Watched Last Night archives and see what else we've been watching. Submissions welcome.


Posted on September 11, 2009

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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