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What I Watched Last Night

Our brains have been programmed so conveniently. This is a gigantic step back for society. Back in the primitive days of humans, males would fight each other for power, and when that was established they would build a fire or shelter. Now, equally large men fight each other for dominance in some sort of testosterone-filled cage, and when that is established they hug each other. This is the premise for Ultimate Fighting Championship. The premise for American Chopper is the building part without the physical fighting. They yell and scream about arbitrary pressure they are coping with and then build a motorcycle.

As UFC contestants whack their opponents with their brutally large muscles, others watch and scream. If you view apes in the wild, they will do the same. However, when an ape wins they get a girl. In UFC, there is no lady caller at the end of the fisticuffs. Imagine that, no reward for such a show of power and masculinity. When Mario defeated Bowser he got a little love from the Princess. When soldiers come home from battle they get a kiss from a woman in Times Square. Even when NASCAR drivers drive around in circles the fastest they get to kiss the pretty girl. Not so on UFC.

I would like to believe that there is some sort of testosterone-driven motivation behind kicking the crap out of another human being. Otherwise, it just doesn't add up. Why would some guy just fight for no reward from the pretty girl? In the UFC there is no pretty girl; the prize is more fighting, which really isn't that appealing. They may get some money out of it, but after all that fighting it's likely their, um, procreation abilities would be hindered. It's not a rewarding sport.

On American Chopper, a family of gearheads build things out of metal and wire and call them motorcycles. They have been doing this for a couple of years now and the only difference between all the bikes they have created is the gas can and the different colors. I would call up IKEA and get a dresser sent to me and paint it differently a million times over if I could get my own show. Then again, if I did that I would need an older gentleman with a mustache screaming "Don't mess with me!" and a little brother with diminished mental capacity. I would also have to grow a chinstrap beard and wear sunglasses all the time and that is really not me, so that's out.

Anyway, the American Chopper crew builds bikes and argues. They build bikes for money for famous people. Famous people like to have expensive and popular toys and that is why they buy their bikes in New York (where the show takes place) instead of in L.A., where the famous people reside.

I am worried about where this society is taking us - to a place where men work for money and fame rather then for the affection of a woman. I guess chivalry is dead and the television has killed it on Monday nights.



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Posted on August 22, 2006


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