What I Watched Last Night

There sure was a whole lot of nothing on TV last night. So I surfed. And what a surf I had. I really impressed myself.

Fox News was covering another kidnapping. There are hundreds of kidnappings every week in this country and that is a terrible thing. But rest assured, when the victim is a teenage blonde girl out partying, Fox News will be there.

CNN was counting down to the cease-fire in Israel. Literally. An on-screen clock counted down the minutes while the talking heads babbled about Hezbollah and terrorism and bombs and death. This Just In!: George W. Bush's Roadmap to Peace has not been so peaceful.

Speaking of terrorism, the History Channel did a little something on September 11. I watched some of it and got a little sick, so I turned it off. Still can't watch it.

Ahh, awful days. How about five of them for World Trade Center! Only $19 million since it opened. A well-deserved flop. Good riddance.

Flops? Well, season three of Celebrity Fit Club season three was on VH1. Bone Crusher and the one of the girls from Wilson Phillips are on it. I did not recognize anyone else on the show. I only knew those two because their names were under their mugs during the five minutes I put into that show.

I bounced around the dial for awhile until I struck gold; an untapped resource that is rarely filled with such booty, literally. Public access has saved my night more than a handful of times. I remember seeing a folk rock show in Nebraska a few years ago and hearing a song about lawn ornaments. In Washington D.C., I once saw a show about classic cars that featured elderly people dancing and was hosted by a gentleman named Hollywood Breeze. Last night, it was a good ol' fashion booty shakin' contest. Rap music that degrades women blared in the background as five teenage girls shook their moneymakers to impress the crowd. Sadly, I had to turn it off because I felt like I was breaking the law watching this type of underage masquerade.

Finally, I settled on Back to the Future on AMC. It was a subpar Sunday night as far as television-watching goes. Sundays should always be filled with plenty of material to watch because it is the day that we can all relax and watch some TV.