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Red Carpet Recap

What we saw on the red carpet.

Cameron Diaz
Cameron seems to be overdoing the spray tan these days. Her skin's a shade of orange somewhere between "Irish setter" and "basketball." Why is she standing like that? Did she just get over a bout of rickets? Cameron, did you know that cheese, fortified milk, herring, and mackerel are all good sources of vitamin D? The worst part is that Cameron's dress seems to be made from a linen tablecloth and napkins. You're going to be pretty embarrassed later in the evening at the Governor's Ball when a waiter tries to rewrap a champagne bottle in your neckline.

Reese Witherspoon
I actually liked this dress, mostly because it looks like it's made out of crepe paper and it's the color of a nasty bruise. However, the fact that it looks like the heavily shingled "before" picture of a stripped hair cuticle from the Pantene Pro-V commercials reminds me to schedule a conditioning oil treatment at my local spa.

Jennifer Lopez
. . . and so I was like, "You want to just use a few, right?" and she was all like "No, I want to use all of them." And I was all like "You don't mean all of them." And she was all like "Yes, I want you to use every single one of Liberace's bicycle chains for this dress."

Sally Kirkland
Like most Cirque du Soleil productions, Sally Kirkland is the story of an alienated woman who withdraws from reality into a dream world of fantasy and imagination. She embarks on an epic journey where she meets fantastic creatures, levitating emperors, clowns, fire-jugglers, and evil erotic opponents. In the end, will she step out of the dark fantasy world and finally embraces the light of reason? Reserve your tickets online now. All third-party billings must be done directly through the Bellagio ticket office.

Gwyneth Paltrow
"Oscar Presenter" is one of the more than 20 whole-body plastinates featured in the BODY WORLDS exhibit. While walking the red carpet, the Oscar Presenter demonstrates the movement between the superficial and intermediate layers of muscles. This plastinate shows in detail how muscle lengths differ according to their contracture degree.

Beyoncé Knowles
Please exercise some restraint next time you visit Carson City. Hey, my grandfather loved collecting turquoise belt buckles, too, but he didn't wear his whole collection at the same time.

Meryl Streep
Ms. Streep is wearing the same smock every hair salon has clients change into to get a haircut. Too bad, Meryl high-tailed it out of there before they could fix her hair. Hey, what's that around your neck? A Wiccan talisman bag? A Cheyenne spirit pouch? A Dungeness crab? It's what? Oh Meryl, that's not how you wear a dress sporran.

Cate Blanchett
As far as galvanized-blacktop couture goes, this isn't horrible. But it saddens me to think that, somewhere, a salty seafaring Castilian rogue has sacrificed the bejeweled silver bowl guard of his trusty cutlass to protect the shoulder of a mere slip of a girl. Arrr!

Anne Hathaway
That's an odd place for a bowtie, Anne. It seems to have fallen down. It's what? Your tropical butterfly collection from Papua New Guinea? Oh, and I see you have one on your ass, too. What's that? You left the killing jar in the limo? Well, I'll ask Harrison Ford to stop by your table and give you a Voight-Kampff test during the commercial breaks.

Naomi Watts
Place a small amount of wasabi on the underside of the tamago, and then place the tamago on top of the rice ball. Wrap a 1-cm wide strip of nori around each piece of nigiri. Wrap it tightly enough that the nigiri won't fall apart, but not tight enough to tear the tamago or cause the rice ball to separate. More sushi recipes can be found at www.sushirecipes.org.

The Pinkett-Smith Family
Tip #1: When you are invited to an award ceremony, make sure you do not dress like the award.
Tip #2: Remember to drop your electric bill in the mailbox before you come to the Oscars. That way you won't have to carry it around in your top left pocket all night.

Nicole Kidman
Merry Christmas, mate! I knew just what you wanted. It was my head, right? I wrapped it myself.

Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna
The memories come flooding back; the cold, rubbery chicken and syrupy fruit cup, the awkward lurching dance steps, the half a bottle of Southern Comfort, the finger-bang in the limo, the vomiting afterward, and these two, with their uncombed hair, unbuttoned jackets, beltless trousers, four days' beard growth, unwrangled ties, and combat boots. Somewhere between the two of them, is my dream date for Senior Prom. But unfortunately, it's Oscar night, and they look like drifters. But seriously, have you seen Y Tu Mama Tambien? Was I the only one hoping they would make out with each other on the red carpet?

Djimon Hounsou
I told you he'd be too sexy for his shirt.


For another view of the red carpet - and the rest of the festivities, see Beachwood TV correspondent Scott Buckner's special Oscar edition of What I Watched Last Night.


Posted on February 27, 2007

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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